Do I Have To??

That is what I have been asking my peers who demand me to post something new. But I am ashamed to say I have almost lost interest in blogging. Well at least the responsibility I put upon myself of posting every week. Its exhausting! Really I just couldn't be bothered anymore! School will be keeping me busy anyways!

But then again I'm only human. Many people over the world find a new passion every week and then become complacent. This all started because I wanted to be a journalist. Work experience soon put an end to that.

I'm now thinking towards publishing but that's irrelevant. I started this blog because my dad and my aunt suggested it as it would make me look like I was really interested in journalism. But now that I don't want to be a journalist does that mean I don't want to blog anymore?

In a word: No. It doesn't mean that. I mean I always enjoyed it. But after a while I was only doing it because I had set myself this schedule.

And when I rule the world, as you all have realised is an inevitability, there will be no schedule. This is particularly ingenious because any opposing parties will not be able to schedule rallies or protests at my dictatorial actions and I will forever remain in power!

The news is always depressing and boring, so I have decided that the most exciting way I can utilise what little talent in writing is through becoming a fiction author of novels for people my own age. I'm fairly good at making up bullshit. And this is just extended bull shit. How hard could that be?

I already have a few ideas. But I won't share them with you because, let's face it, they probably aren't any good!
I mean 80% of people believe they could write a book but only a minuscule amount of people have one published.

But still. A guy can dream can't he? Plus being an author would be the perfect lifestyle! Getting paid to write down my bullshit, not having to get up early in the morning EVER and nobody could tell me off for it!

So this is my last year at school. Honestly I thought it would never come. Schools been such a large chunk of my life for 14 years, I just assumed subconsciously that it would always be a part of it. But don't fret! For this is the year of the 18ths!

The year of the 18th is exactly what it sounds like. It's the year when everyone in my year turns 18.

What? You didn't figure that out?

Anyway. My birthday, along with three other people who are turning 18 at the same time, falls in the middle of the exams. I know right? Such cruel irony. I hate exams so the universe bitch slaps me with them. Thanks universe. Real decent of you.

It's not all bad though. The school formals coming up on Friday which is an excellent chance to see various teachers inebriated. More than that its going to be hilarious to see who will be drunk in front of the teachers. I've been taking bets and we all have our favourites to win...or lose depending on how you look at it.

No! Being drunk in front of teachers is losing. A brilliantly funny loss. But a loss all the same.

Remember kids, alcohol is bad for you. That is until the second you turn 18 where you liver apparently grows a super strong tolerance for alcohol. But if you're 17 and 364 days old it will kill you. No joke. I've seen it

The guy had a drink to celebrate turning 18 at midnight but his watch was running fast. He took a sip of beer and went into a coma. He was medically dead for the final 47 seconds before he turned 18. Then, when it was really his birthday, he sat up. His body levitated from the ground and glowed bright white. The alcohol was purged from his body and all was well.

OK so maybe now he's incontinent but hey, who ends a story saying the subject can no longer control their bowels?

That'd just be weird....

Nerds ARE Cool

Nerds are given such bad press.

Even the word "Nerd" is used in such a negative context.

Well ladies and gentlemen, this may shock you but...I am a Nerd! *pause for gasp*

Although I prefer the word eccentric. I mean people attribute the word Nerd to anyone who enjoys gaming or genres such as science fiction and fantasy when it comes to their reading material or television preferences.

They make the best books!

I mean have you ever tried reading a non-fiction book like a biography, auto or otherwise? They are INCREDIBLY dull. I mean every football mad ten year old will have picked up something like David Beckham's autobiography which I can only assume is written to the standard I would imagine a primary school teacher would find in homework's collected from their students. But they are still the most boring thing ever to be classified as literary.

This has been brought into my head by one woman helping her daughter pick a pair of glasses to wear. Every time the daughter lifted one all I could hear from her clearly exceedingly mature mother was

Nerd...

Nothing to say what was so nerdy about them. Just "Nerd".

Nerds are usually the ones that don't fall into the typical social norms. Although not through a conscious decision to do so. People that go out of way to avoid being part of social norms are known as Hipsters or scene-sters or collectively as "dickheads". And that's not coming from me.

Really I just wanted to show this to people because I find it frigging hilarious!

But back to my main point, nerds can be fun as well! I mean I'm fun...right??

Don't answer that!

A nerd on a night out can be a lot of fun. Even if it is at his or her own expense.

It was two of my friends 18th birthdays recently and they decided to have a joint party which was great fun!

However, to my utter and eternal shame, I attempted to dance... It was horrifying.

Never shall I live down such shame. Already I have received so much abuse that the life of a hermit has began to sound appealing.

Although in my defence...it was fun at the time! Now nobody stopped me because they thought it was hilarious, which, if I was in their position, I would agree with them.

But I wasn't in their position. I was in my position. The funky, uncoordinated move busting position than has put a black mark on my otherwise sterling reputation.

But then again what's a good night out without any kind of embarrassment? Boring, that's what it is.

And so to Aideen Brogan  and Caoimhe Mc Manus I hope you enjoyed your 18th party.

I mean you obviously did seeing as I was there...

If You Are Reading This, I Am Already Dead

This was originally going to be a post on funerals and organ donation. But about 200 words in I had an epiphany.

Jesus Christ it was boring as hell. Not to mention morbid. I mean who wants to actually read about their organs and donatables being taken from them after they had died.

Not one of my best, I have to say. But now it's left me with a slight conundrum.

What do I write about now? Do I randomly talk complete and utter bullshit? Because both you and I know I could do that. I could do that until Doomsday. But when I do that, I'm just embarrassed by the outcome. It's usually just ridiculous with no point or basis in fact.

I have to do my 3 weeks of work for the year because I am very very broke. Its quite bad. Although after this I won't have to work for quite a while. Then I can just relax.

The only thing I can think of to talk about is the end of the Harry Potter era. The final film came out on the 15th of July and, even though I'm not a huge fan of it, I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. It was on a night out and around 10 of us decided, on a whim, to go see it. The film was good. Not as good as the first half but still. It was fun to go see it with that many people.

Over all the only problems I had with it were the fact that Crabbe, one of Draco Malfoy's infamous previously Caucasian henchmen friends, suddenly became a black guy with no lines. Seemed a bit stupid and pointless but I'm sure there was some reasoning behind it.

Then there was Voldemort. The nose-less, screaming wonder. Don't get me wrong, he was great and even though he screamed seven or eight times in the same way in the trailer, it didn't actually make it to the film.

Other than that I'm just fairly bored! I'm already halfway through the summer, A-Level results come out on the 17th or 18th or something which is fairly daunting.

Oh well. If they're anyway decent I might get to go out for dinner!

E-readers are the future? *spit*

I have always been a big reader. Days could go by where I would not lift my head from a new book for anything other than tea breaks and meals. I prefer reading to any other activity I can do in my house. It trumps watching TV, it trumps playing the Xbox and it blows cleaning right out of the water.

I can spend hours in Waterstones, browsing the Horror, flicking through the Science Fiction, scoffing at the Dark Romance (Twilight wannabes, each and every one of them) and thumb through the Classics.

But now the livelihood of of all book stores has been threatened by the creation of... The E-READER's *spit*.

Now first of all I should say that I can actually see all the advantages to e-readers like the most popular Amazon Kindle. They're great for travelling. You're entire library in the palm of your hand at all times, it can hold around 50,000 books which is more than most people will ever own. It is perfect for people who have never been big readers before the invention of them and if they can't be persuaded to purchase and house all these physical books, I would urge them to buy an e-reader. In reality, the sale of e-books outweighs that of the sales of tangible books. 2 e-books are sold for every physical copy. Clearly the world sees e-readers as the future.

But now I've got the diplomatic crap out of the way, let me tell you what I really think.

E-readers are the stain of the literary world! They take away from the entire experience. You can't bury your head in a tablet computer e-book. You can't make a real decision on whether or not to buy a book. When I'm browsing I like to see the thickness, the size of the words, the space between the sentences judging how long it would take me to read it and whether it would be worth my time buying it and generally being the world's biggest nerd . Online you can't do this. All you get on an online book store or from and e-book retailer is the Total Page count,  the cover, a short synopsis of the book and a nice little picture of the author that nobody really cares about.

Now this may be enough for some, but not for die hard book-worms and certainly not for me! I mean you have to charge the bloody thing! Who wants to have to charge their books before they read them? Even then they only have a finite amount of time before they have to recharge them all over again, thus leading them into a deadly cycle starting with their new found addiction to reading and ending with more electricity being used, non-renewable sources of energy depleted much faster and generally the end of life on Earth as we know it.

Over the top? Well at least I didn't go into detail about how I adore the smell of books. Because even I know that would be a bit creepy and you could lose what little remainder of respect you ever had for me.

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I HAVE RETURNED.

For those of you who do not know or care enough to read previous posts, I have been on study leave since ....some time in May. I forget exactly when. But that's the beauty of this blog. It doesn't matter what I write, how I write or, indeed if it makes any sense because it is naught but a tool to retain the final remnants of my pseudo-sanity....what a failure it has been.

With my exams over as of  3pm on the 20th of June (they went fine thanks for asking. You were always my favourite reader) I was free! And do you know what the first thing I saw whenever I began looking for blog material was?

Freddos are now 20p. Gone are the days when a man could get 5 pieces of chocolate that, when combined, are actually bigger than a Dairy Milk  for 50p. Gone is my childhood ladies and gentlemen. GONE. And with it comes a new found sense of responsibility and maturity that I had never expected to receive. I feel like I'm all grown up.....and just now I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to put a soundbite of somebody blowing raspberries to insinuate the falseness of that statement.



Now readers, I may be getting older at an alarming rate. So alarming is the rate of which i am getting older, I believe Time is angry with me and is trying to make me reach old age and die faster. But no matter how quickly Time tries to make me grow old, I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever infinity experience the tragedy that is maturity!

And to capitalise on this perpetual immaturity of mine I would like to point and laugh at someone who got something wrong.

You may or may not know but the world was supposed to end on the 21st of May this year. This was all according to, religious zealot, Harold Camping

Well doesn't he look like a little stoned paedophile? This man, or Homo Crazyus as his species is known, told the world that he had seen in the bible, the most scrutinised text in human history, that the world was going to end on the 21st of May. This was said in spite of a bible verse claiming that no man will be able to predict the end of the world.

Now, I am not what you would call a highly religious person. If I'm honest I think the whole thing is a little hard to believe but that's just me. But even if I was religious, I like to think my common sense would not be overridden. Camping then scammed people who truly believed the world was going to end out of a LOT of money. Honest, god-fearing people lost millions of dollars in total donating to charities because a stupid old man went on an ego trip. The only good things to come from Camping's actions are things like these:

Brilliant isn't it? It's on a t-shirt!

But I'll move on to the happier topics. Topics that make me grin and shake with excitement. Topics such as the OXEGEN MUSIC FESTIVAL!!!!

Now because I only returned from Oxegen recently and there isn't a lot I can say that is family friendly, I'll keep it short.
Some of us have headaches. Some of us have stomach pains. Some of us did shots of mouthwash. Some of us found ourselves waking up in place others will find hilarious until the end of time. But only one of us was handed a pipe to smoke dandelions...and actually did it.

This persons name? I'm sorry. I have to let Andrew Hillan retain some kind of anonymity. Otherwise it would just be cruel!

The highlight of the festival was easily the unbeatable, the amazing FOO FIGHTERS!!!!

Having seen Mr Dave Grohl live, I can now die with a smile on my face and Everlong playing in the background.
The low point? Trying to sleep with drug addicts in the tent beside mine. They didn't shut up, like, EVER. I woke up to hear one guy yelling at another guy for stealing his shoes. I woke up again to hear the same guy saying

You fawking eeeeejit

every five or six seconds. I have never been so close to committing murder in my life.

But now I have to try to rebuild my finances. But that means I have to get a job. And how I loathe to work. But it's a nescessary evil.
That is, if I want to have any fun over the summer. Yes I've got games to get, nights to be out on, books to pre-order and Subway Sandwiches to devour without any regard to my personal health.
Then there's also driving lessons. Ugh. I want to be a fully fledged driver by the end of the summer. Very do-able.

However I am a lazy SOB so actually getting started could be a problem.

Mehh. C'est la Vie!

Because a Friend Just Couldn't Wait

A friend of mine just simply couldn't wait until I got back from Oxegen (Oh dear god, I am so excited for this. My heart could just give out from the stress of how excited I am!!) to read this blog.

That's oddly flattering don't you agree?

So this is me coming out of hibernation...sort of....for a second....It's kind of like sleep blogging. It doesn't really count but I'm doing it anyway. It's kind of like punching someone right in the face when you are asleep.

Dude, you just smacked me in the face. What the Hell?
Oh I'm sorry. I was asleep, you totally can't blame me.

So even if this is terrible, you can't blame me. Blame Kricky

Although I had forgotten how much I enjoyed doing this. I wonder if I'll ever stop doing this...I hope not.


Anyway, Kricky, this is for you.

                                                              And I truly mean that!

The One I Post And Forget To Give A Title

Speechless. At a loss for words. A cat has my tongue...What the hell kind of phrase is that? Why a cat? I don't let a cat near my arms let alone my face.
My point is that my favourite show on TV has returned to our screens and I have been silenced with excitement.
That show is DOCTOR WHO!!

Featuring the Doctor and Amy travelling through time and space

Oh and Rory...

Rory is like the Ron Weasley in this equation with the Doctor and Amy being Harry and Hermione. Rory is often forgotten and thought to be the least effectual character. But in saying that he did spend 2000 years protecting his wife who had gotten trapped in a glorified box. We have to give him some credit.

As much as I'd like to spend my time talking about Doctor Who and how brilliant it is, I can't. Mainly because I am trying to force feed myself the contents of my AS Level courses. Not a fun sensation. Not easy either, especially as I have the attention span of a seven year old hopped up on E numbers.

I think, ladies and gentlemen, it is safe to say I am well and truly screwed.

I DETEST revision with every fibre of my being. Not just because it's boring, but because I'm not very good at it. Easily distracted. Two words that sum me up quite aptly and I think many would agree.

Currently I'm supposed to be revising my first history module for a repeat in about, oh...4 weeks?
I don't have a hope in hell. I'm just sort of stumbling along until the summer hits me and I can relax!

You may have to forgive me because I think I will be taking a break from this writing business until the exams are over. Don't worry. It's not just you I'm neglecting. I'm contemplating hiding my smart phone and taking my Granny's (yes my granny has a mobile, I'm still surprised) which is a very, VERY old Nokia.

As well as that, my computer will be going into hibernation for a number of weeks and I shall live at the library.

These next couple of weeks will be hell!

Get To The Point

Usually the way I write these is I think of a topic, however random, give it a title and let myself just type until I feel is suitable to be posted. Often that just turns out badly and I don't feel happy about the end result.

Today, as I was out last night and up early for a doctors appointment, I am quite tired and as such I do not have the energy to go through the taxing process of thinking of something to write about i.e. pick something that happened to me during the week then make it vague so as to hide anyone involved (most of the time) and then exaggerate it beyond recognition.

Example? What am I? A textbook? I'm too tired to think of one. Plus I'm busy devouring my Easter egg. Oh hey! There's my topic!

Easter Sunday is a time where I get to demonstrate my complete lack of strength. I tried to break the egg with my knuckles. The results were less than satisfactory. My knuckles hurt.

Thus with my strategic mindset I thought to myself

Fight fire with fire

Needless to say I am now homeless and the fire fighters didn't even sugar coat it when the blamed me. The words "never should have been born" were used. Apparently they didn't approve of my idea to crack open a propane canister to make fire to melt the egg open. Theoretically it was an excellent idea.

Well, at least, it was until the walls caught fire. They don't make houses like they used to. Or maybe I'm just getting smarter....yeah it's probably the house thing

These past couple of weeks have been a tad stressful and so it's always nice to see something that cheers you up. i saw this a few months ago and I meant to upload it but never remembered. It just makes me smile.

It's always good to see someone putting such happy, pleasant graffiti on the sides of things. Makes the world seem a little brighter. Of course they could have just been ridiculously idiotic and found it difficult to imagine themselves drawing anything else.

Then again I'm a bit of a cynic.

Privacy

Privacy is a funny thing. Some people get anxious when they don't have it. World leaders get anxious if other countries have it. Teenagers get angry when it is invaded and often go into, what my parents fondly call, a "strop" Of course my parents are bad people.

The other night we were at my friends house and his parents had invited round my parents to watch the McCloskey v Khan fight. Ridiculous result but that's not the point.

My parents, as parents do when they are around other adults, got excited and grasped every chance to take the piss out of me that came their way. They don't get out much so usually I would just let them have their way. But this time was different.

You see, also invited to watch the boxing was a teacher that my friend's dad was very friendly with. My parents decided that this was the time to divulge to basically anyone within earshot that I write a blog. This is the one invasion of privacy I will not allow.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:

But James, you write every stray thought you have down into this blog. Doesn't that mean you don't want any privacy when it comes to the blog?

Good question random idiot.The answer is no, you are wrong. If this teacher found out the existence of this blog he may let it slip to other teachers who may let it slip to other teachers and eventually the wrong teacher will read it. That's not allowed to happen for another 10 years, whenever the world has become enslaved by crickets. They own our conscience, it's only a matter of time before their strength grows.

Of course I'm not just going to bitch about privacy like a whiny emo-teen. But in saying that, I don't have much more to talk about.

So Sweden's a funny place....

No That's not the direction this blog will go.

An electrician by the name of Colin Atkinson faces losing his job for refusing to take down his wee christian-y cross thingymabob from his van dashboard. Now this is just a BIT ridiculous. The cross is about 8 inches and the only reason the company he works for wants it taken down is so that people don't think the company is christian.

So what if they think you're christian? People aren't all super bigoted, most of them won't care. But this shows you the turn things have taken. A few hundred years ago, people were shunned, stoned to death even, if they were found to be anything other than christian. Karmic justice maybe?

But I can see why the company is worried about being associated with any one creed. There's an old saying I'm very fond of. A Person is smart. People are dumb. You can always count on the collective to ruin things for the individuals.

But let the guy have his cross. In a few hundred years I believe that every religion currently existing today will be replaced by he best seller list.
Your far off descendants could be putting a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on the forehead on ash Wednesday. They could be wearing ridiculous glasses instead of those skull caps Jewish people wear.

It's going to be a weird place on Earth in 2000 years.

Hospitals Are Fun

Say what you will about Antrim or people from Antrim, the Antrim Area hospital is a wonderful hospital!

That sounded a lot less gay in my head, but now the word wonderful is sandwiched in my head between the words "simply" and "darling" to form the ultra-homosexual "simply wonderful darling"
One of these days I'll stick to the point of the story throughout the entire post. And on that day the world will end.

Back on track, recently I was at the hospital for a very minor surgery where I was able to flaunt my super-human ability to alleviate the awkwardness that arises between strangers. It could well be my only talent. Well that and doing the bunny twitch with my nose. More fun than it sounds, I swear

In preparation for the surgery I had to submit to #2 on my list of things entitled DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO THESE THINGS UNLESS A BEAR HAS GAINED A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR AND TELLS YOU TO DO THEM OR HE WILL EAT YOUR FACE

#2 on this list was "Never willingly or knowingly go without food" and this rule is only topped by #1 which is "never willingly or knowingly go without or allow people to deprive you of sleep"
The fact that I was being anaesthetised and would therefore sleep for the majority of the day softened the blow.

Upon arriving, the doctor began to ask me a series of routine questions and when he had finished, he asked me which football team I supported. This left me in a bit of a bind. You see, I'm not exactly the sportiest person in the world. No, no it's true! I enjoy playing football but I really, REALLY suck at it. It's kind of funny how bad I am. And as for watching it on TV...well there's usually something better on. If not, there's always that little button labelled standby on the remote which saves me from watching it.

So I answered him with a team I haven't bothered supporting since I was about 12, Liverpool.

Rookie mistake.

For the rest of the day I had to pretend I gave a crap about professional, televised sports. And at the time, all I could think of was

Now, now, don't anger the doctor who makes sure you are unconscious while they cut you open.

Sound advice from the surprisingly small common sense section of my brain

And then they did this to me

BLEAGH. They put a tube inside a vein!!!

That is disgusting. Simply disgusting. Retchable and other non-real words. What made it worse was there was a student doctor there who, whenever Sports Doctor told us he was about to put in the IV, she said, with too much glee in her eyes for my liking:

Can I watch?

I couldn't contain myself. She sounded like one of my sisters. Can I watch? I'm about to have my veins violated so that I can be cut open with a big sharp scary knife, and you're asking the doctor if you can watch...she could have at least brought me some food!

But getting the IV pulled out is the worst!! I won't bore you with the details, but there's blood. Too much blood for me.

But after the surgery I wake up and the nurse comes over. She doesn't ask "How are you feeling", but rather she says "About time. Your mother's been on the phone and she was just telling us how long you sleep"

Oh yeah. I'm sure the drugs you pumped directly to my veins had nothing to do with it. Cheeky little bitc-

*cough*

Eventually, another doctor came over to see how I was doing. Now being the typical smart-ass that I am, I had to answer the questions in a somewhat humorous way. For example, a doctor with accented English came over and said

How are you feeling?

To which I had to reply

I'm not too bad, what about yourself?

That threw him a little. Hey, they cut me open; I get to have a little fun.

Of course maybe I was taking it too far whenever the doctor asked if I had any questions and I asked, without thinking of what I was saying:

How many times a day would you get the words "What's up doc?"

I thought it was hilarious! I still do in fact.

And that was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week. It's a little sad isn't it?

But it's all OK because the hospital gave me super-mega strength pain killers which I suspect could knock out an elephant, so that should keep me amused.

I Am Soooo Sorry!

First of all I would like to apologise for the atrocious post that went up on Sunday evening. I don't know what I was thinking. You probably do seeing as it was an insight to the inner workings of my head but you know what I mean.
I guess I sort of lost the plot a little bit. Well a lot. Altogether really.

If I'm honest, it's not the first time it's happened. No really. As you have experienced first hand, I am not always calm and collected and in full control of my imagination. It's the worst whenever I'm sick.

Once I had a temperature and so I spent the night tossing and turning, flitting in and out of sleep, and in those moments of consciousness I was completely certain that my dream was real. My dream was that I had been aiding the characters from That 70's Show to create a nuclear missile outside my house. That's right. I have been convinced that myself and the cast of a popular sitcom were terrorists.

But I try to be normal, I swear! I put my trousers on two legs at a time just like everyone else. Unless it's a skirt. But let's not get into what I do at the weekend.

So the gist of things here is that the last post was too random for my own liking. Basically I forgot I had a post to write and rushed it. Whoops!

So yeah....

Sorry!

My Memory

Now, reader(s), my head, as I have told you, is a special place with the great political mind of Bugs Bunny as the leader and where it is mandatory to have the mannerisms of Elmer Fudd. This wonderful place is made up of many different sections with many abnormal tasks to carry out.

One section, The Imagination centre, is staffed by many long-legged but tiny gerbils. The gerbil's in my head have grown stronger by the day ever since I fell out of a stationary car. They have, in fact, grown so strong that it has led to lapses in my consciousness where I spend time taking no notice of my surroundings. This, Ladies and Gentlemen is where I figure out what I will write about in my Blog.

Another section is the Conscious Thought complex. As you can imagine is.....wel mildly under-staffed. I think I should move on. For my sake. You understand.

The Negative Organisation in my brain is a bad place. The organisation has many different branches which include Worrying, Meanliness and Lazyness. After a while working in the Conscious thought complex many of the staff moved due to lack of air-conditioning and the fact that The Laziness section in The Negative Organisation was giving it's employees a dental plan. Wouldn't you work there?

Then, of course, the Memory Building. Lazy little-
ANYway those workers are not understaffed but have been, for seventeen years, operating a strike. They refuse to allow me to retain too much information. It's all because I sleep to much. But it's not my fault! I do it because they burnt all the filing cabinets. Although maybe they did that because I started eating glue but they have now eliminated much of childhood memories...Bastards.

Maybe I should replace the gerbils with actual brain cells.

But then of course its that radical thinking that began the Brain Civil war of 1998. Many good brain cells died in the 5 years it went on before the other major organs in my body banded together to force a ceasefire.




Wait, What the hell have I been saying?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls Have I Got a Story For You!

In a word: No. I have not got a story for you.

And so in an act of desperation, I will resort to the age old comic style of self-deprecation. Yes readers, this method has been used by writers, comedians and television personalities for decades as a way of making the listener pity them and look at them like a small puppy with no home. You don't leave a small puppy with no home on it's own do you?

Well if you do, you're a sick human being.

Over the past couple of days I've done, seen, read and imagined things that left me giggling. Things that a regular human being wouldn't find funny. Because I'm a BIT of a freak.

For example, outside the petrol station next to my school there is a cage filled with turf or coal bags. The cage door was open and I found myself thinking that I should step inside, close the door and speak to passers by, saying things like:

Please, please let me out. They feed me nothing but egg cartons!

Or

Hello there sir. This fine establishment has realised that there is a fantastic market for selling human toes. They locked me in here to prevent me running off with the merchandise (i.e. the toes) and rightly so. First chance I get I'm taking my toes. So, want to let me out?

OK so upon writing this I realise, It MIGHT have only been funny to me.

Next up is something I promised someone I would write about and so I'm obligated to say:

Don't close your browser Stephen!

He told me he would if I talked about this. Didn't give a reason. Just threats.

So during the week it got quite sunny, and for some reason we decided it would be fun to build a human pyramid.

The Pyramid - Mid-Collapse

It went...sort of well? Maybe? Anyway this one went much better than the second attempt. I was part of this one. And the a-holes put me on the bottom tier! But I suppose that's fair enough seeing as I was probably one of the heaviest there.

Have you ever heard of Banksy? Of course you have. He's famous. OK for those who don't know him, Banksy is a famous graffiti artist and has managed to keep his identity a secret from the world. I picked up a book that had lots of his pieces in and and small bits of writing in them. He's surprisingly funny.

He has many amazing pieces, most are hilarious, but my favourites are definitely these:

The man's a genius to say the least. Especially since he gets away with it.

Another day, another post. Well not so much another day as another week. Another week another post.....and now I've forgotten what I was going to say. Thanks guys!

Stuff I'm Going to do During the Summer

So instead of doing work like I know myself I should be doing, I'm going to waste some time dreaming about free time. I feel as if I should point out the idiocy of this. But, let's face it, you probably already guessed it was idiotic.

Anyway, in my head it is a place where I have skipped past exams and results and any outstanding work I may or may not have, and go straight to the free time. It's a simpler, happier place. For one thing, Bugs Bunny is president of the universe and everybody speaks like Elmer Fudd. I'm getting off topic.

Top of my list of things to do during the summer is to completely mess up my sleeping pattern. Oh yeah! Stay up until 2/3 in the morning and get up at 2/3 in the afternoon. Of course this is all provided I don't get a job *shiver* Working during the summer? What kind of sick weirdo does that?

Next is watch a lot of DVD box sets. Like How I Met Your Mother, Sherlock, Supernatural, Gavin and Stacey and of course, the ever popular, Doctor Who. No I'm not sad and spend all my time watching TV, but it's the summer. Lots of free time *super happy smiley face*

Learn to drive! That's a big one. It's getting too close to exams for me to actually want to start now but all I have to do is find a decent driving instructor and get my theory test over and done with. To be honest, I'm not overly fussed about driving. I mean, I happily walk everywhere anyway. Buuuut I suppose it's something I should learn how to do anyway.

I am going to raid the Classics section in Waterstones this summer and go mental. I took a BBC list of books challenge thing on Facebook and I had only read 11 of 100 books it said I should definitely read. But if I want to do journalism, It would probably look good if I read these.

Learn to talk to animals. It's something i have always wanted to do but I never got round to doing it. That and learning to fly. Lots of planning involved. Friggen logistics.

Really it doesn't matter what I'm going to do during the summer, only what I'm going to do if I don't get out of school quickly. I'm serious! People will get hurt. At least one will die and there will be several counts of collateral damage to my name. Oh yes children, the urge to throw a chair through a window grows stronger by the day. One day I'm just going to snap and start throwing stuff everywhere. And in the years to come I'll have my own room which they will constantly restock with chairs for me to throw. I could be the main attraction of the school. I could retire early with the money I would be making even though my school is badly in debt right now and isn't about to pay someone enough to retire. But hey at least we still have our file paper...oh what's that? We don't?....oh my... Maybe I could buy a house. With steel reinforced glass windows. I would never break a thing in my house. And I would live happily ever after with my schizophrenia and lack of chairs

....My, that got out of hand

Spitting?!?! Really?!

So I'm walking home from school on Monday when your typical chavy ballymena "lad" strolls past me, getting his strut on, you know, as they do. I'm listening to my iPod silently judging, as I do, and the guy just spits to his side. This left me wondering:

WHY??

Do you have a medical problem, I thought to myself, where your saliva accumulates far too quickly and it must be expelled from the mouth? Are you really hungry and are currently thinking of bacon sandwiches?

Or (more likely) are you just in fact a GIANT douche?

I think we all know the answer.

I mean what is the appeal? I'm genuinely curious. I can't even think of excuses that are even vaguely plausible. I mean every thirty steps this guy would evacuate his mouth of it's gooey inhabitants. It was a nauseating, sordid experience.

It's nice to see I'm such a well adjusted person, you know, not letting the little things bother me.

Devastation strikes Japan

Often you will hear things, "Acts of God" as they are called. Storms, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions. They always happen in some country far away. They never make an impact on you.

Yesterday, March 11th, Japan was hit with an earthquake that reached 8.9 on the Richter scale. The Richter scale only has categories that go up to 10. Beyond that they have no classification and so as you can imagine, this one was huge.

This earthquake was almost in the 2nd highest class of earthquake. For five minutes yesterday, it was hell on earth for the Japanese people caught up in the middle of something that even the greatest mind's of this earth cannot predict, something that is naturally destructive and cannot be prevented or circumvented.

Since the year 684 AD there have been 34 earthquakes with a Richter scale rating of 6.5 or higher. This was the largest of them all. It is also the 3rd, 4th or 5th largest earthquake since seismological records began.

An earthquake of this magnitude doesn't come alone. Due the the epicenter of the earthquake, which was near the east coast of Honshu, Japan, 231 miles northeast of Tokyo there was a massive Tsunami.
The Tsunami that ensued caused as much, if not more, damage than the earthquake itself.

Courtesy of the ITN website

Houses were washed away in seconds, probably with people - families - inside of them.

The Tsunami now threatens places all over the Pacific Ocean, including North and South America all the way from Alaska to Chile, traveling at 500 mph across the ocean at an estimated 33ft (10 metres) high.

As of yet there is no official death toll with reports varying from 1,300 to 1,600 with many more expected to be found. Alongside those horrific statistics there are hundreds missing and whole towns with which there have been 10,000 feared missing or dead in a port town in North Japan.

The Tsunami brings devastation of it's own with massive whirlpools collecting around the coast of Japan.

Numerous vessels at sea have been dragged into these whirlpool's, trapped for the time being. Some of the whirlpool's aren't too deep and so the boats aren't being dragged under but there may still be boats being easily pulled underwater by the pools.

There are also very serious dangers relating to the Nuclear Power station in Fukushima Daiichi. Due to the Tsunami, the electricity has been cut from a lot of the country and, as such, the Power station does not have the power to keep the cooling systems going that regulate water in and out of the core.

The water began to boil and turn to steam. This increased the pressure in the reactor which was released with the smoke into the air above Fukushima. Some of the water was converted to Hydrogen which exploded. There has been a 20 km evacuation of the area surrounding the plant.

All of this seems more than one country could handle. Many are likening it to the 2012 predicitions. It is a disgrace that this fairytale-esque story is being compared to the real pain and suffering felt by thousands, millions of people living in Japan.

What strikes me the most about this tragedy is that most other massive world changing incidents happen in less developed countries like the Tsunami in Thailand, the earthquake in Chile, the nuclear disaster in Chernobyl, the earthquake in Haiti.

But then you get places like Christchurch in New Zealand getting hit with a 6.3 magnitude earthquake just last month, and the technological tycoon, Japan, who prided themselves in being better prepared for earthquakes than anywhere else in the world, being struck by this insane act of nature, obliterating their defences and preparations like they were nothing.

What strikes me most about this is that I had never associated Japan with natural disasters. But now, seeing these reports, all I can think about is the very real people caught up in the middle. People who had lives, families, jobs, aspirations, pet-peevs, friends. All of these people are in danger. A lot of these people are already dead. And one recurring thought rolls around my brain:

How will they recover from this?

And I know it's a cliché and you have probably heard it from a million different sources but keep all of the people suffering in Japan in your thoughts and donate whatever you can to help.
The Red Cross is the only place I know that you can send money to:
http://www.redcross.org.uk/

Please, give whatever you can. I know a lot of you won't or can't donate money but at least, by doing this, I can say that I tried to help these people rebuild their lives.



The Ridiculousness that is Charlie Sheen

There are many things that annoy me. I never expected a show on Comedy Central that wasn't Everybody Loves Raymond to be one of those things.
Charlie Sheen, a long time drug addict not to mention wife beater, has caused the cancellation of the hit show that made him $1.8 million per episode, Two and a Half Men. This was due to an argument he had with his bosses at CBS which he has blown out of proportion to a $320 million law suit against them. It's funny because the man seems oblivious that to the fact that the world is most definitely NOT on his side.

When asked what he felt about claims that he was bi-polar, Sheen responded with:

I'm bi-winning, you know? I win here and I win there

Tool.

Sheen's quotable mess of the English language has been spread about the Internet like an inebriated party girl with an STD, with phrases such as:

I'm on something right now, it's called Charlie Sheen

and

I had a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain

being the most popular. But my favourite has to be:

I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' Rock Star from Mars

The dude obviously has serious issues. He actually said:

Touch my children and I will eat your hands of your arms

But he gets away with it because hes rich and famous. As you would expect, talented auto tune artists have turned these into songs. However this video is my favourite. It isn't him auto tuned, but it is a video where a guy has taken the words he said and made them into a song of his own. Its really good and definitely worth watching:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boF3x7RBJOk

 To be honest, I was never really a fan of the show anyway and it makes me visit naughty giggle town to hear that it has been cancelled because of this guy who believes himself to be better than people when he is the laughing stock of the world. This is further reinforced in my mind after I watched his interview. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Every sentence of his makes me cringe. For his sake I hope he stays off the drugs. Not because I care for the idiot, but because the world will not let him forget about that interview if even one thing he said doesn't hold true.

But then again he is bi-winning so who am I to criticise...

OK I Get It...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I know. My attempt at serious news blogs suck.
But there's no need to come up to me and tell me how disappointed you are. You know who you are and as such you should be ashamed of yourself.

That's not to say I want you to stop reading. Quite the contrary. I want your views. You see this month I didn't really care about the amount of views I was going to get. Mainly because, essentially, I have just started this whole blog thing. So when people found out about it, it was a whole

People still blog? And I know someone who has a blog? Weeeeeird

situation and people came to have a look. The views section rose for a bit. But as the novelty slowly wore off I got less and less views. So this month I was thinking

Meh, who cares how many people see it.

I CARE!!!!
And so I'm posting a pointless posty thingy in order to get just the last 29 views I need to reach 300 for this month. And I need them within the next two hours. Can you do that for me. Well obviously if you're already here and ready it. Which makes this whole situation a little pointless...





I like Coca-Cola....

News Stories - Attempt Number 1

The EU has come to the idea that prisoners in the UK not being allowed to vote goes against their human rights. My feelings on that?

Awww boohoo is the little murderer/rapist going to cry?

I mean, come on. You did bad things and now you're complaining that you don't get the perks of when you don't do bad things? This is just me, but I feel that if you do something bad enough to be put in jail for a considerable amount of time, you don't really have many human rights. You certainly don't get to vote.

The only other news story I can find that I have anything to say about is Colonel Gadaffi. For those of you who don't know, Gadaffi is the president (dictator) of Libya which for some time now has been going through a revolution in an attempt to overthrow Gadaffi.

A recent news story, courtesy of sky news, shows that "Libyan revolutionaries in Benghazi claim to have rescued seven prisoners that had been buried alive"

That says it all really. The man with the stupid name has to go/die/be used as a guinea pig for experimental science. I mean how pleasing can it really be to run a country? So pleasing that you practically declare war on your own country just to keep power? I wonder is he aware that if he alienates everyone in Libya he will not have anyone to rule over and they will eventually get rid of him.

I feel like the stupid blond girl from Family guy that goes out with Brian for a while when I say that somebody should definitely stop him.


The news is always so depressing. And that is why people take funny pictures of animals, to make news seem less negative.
Of course this (below) is always hilarious. Mainly because I'm not sure how the zebra achieved this:

The mind! It is blown!

I Got a Problem!

Why is it that when people see somebody creepy in horror films or shows, they don't say:

He could be waiting for me out in the alley. I think I will stay in this well lit, crowded room in the safety of my friends, and leave later with a group of people. Better safe than sorry. You know, safety in numbers and all that.

Not once has that thought process been discovered in the media. The person stands up immediately and says they have to go. Guess what the do next

What do they do next, James?

Oh no, you have to guess.

Do they call a taxi and have it come to the extreme front door in a well lit street?

Nope

Do they get immediately into their car which they have cleverly parked next to the entrance?

Getting colder

....They find the nearest dark alley where they have obviously parked their car, fumble with the keys and stop every time they hear a noise. It turns out to be a cat, they laugh and turn back to their car and get killed. That's what happens isn't it?

Of course that's what happens. Apparently it would be ridiculous otherwise.

And another thing. Have any of you seen that episode of Scrubs where some girl collapses and starts hearing and seeing things as a musical?

God I hate musicals

Anyway, what bothers me about that episode the most is the fact that her problem couldn't possibly happen. No duh, right?
But I mean come on. Her doctors are clearly not speaking in rhymes and yet her brain quickly inputs rhyming words. That requires a lot of brainpower! Plus she must have intricate knowledge of medical procedures and terminology, because JD and Turk start singing about what medical problems could be discovered through looking at a stool sample because, naturally:

Everything comes down to poo, from the top of your head to the sole of your shoe

And I know your thinking:

James don't be such an ass, its a sitcom for God sake

Well shut up!

Ha! Bet you thought I'd have a wise-ass comment to throw back at you. But no. Sadly I have nothing because I know better than anyone I am a pedantic little a-hole.

Also I saw this in the supermarket and it made me giggle my 9 year old heart out

Don't ask me why.

Birthdays

Birthdays. Important to some, something to be glanced over by others. But a birthday is not something that is important to the birthday-ee but to EVERY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.

It's true. Now most people enjoy their birthday. Why wouldn't they? For one day you are allowed to do whatever you like (within reason), everyone is nice to you (well that depends how old you are. The word's birthday beatings spring to mind) and in my house we get to choose what we eat that night for dinner.

But these past couple of years birthdays have gotten....stranger.

As I have told you before I spent my 17th birthday with my friends in my house playing hide and seek. I regret NOTHING.
But I have never been a huge fan of my birthday. The awkward moment when you react to the present and, even when I always enjoy the present, I have to figure out a nice balance between "Yes I really like your gift" and "I think I might wet myself with happiness"

I prefer Christmas to be honest. I like giving presents, but I dislike receiving them.
I am such a Saint! Never forget that.

Recently my sister Orla came home for an interview with a university and with she brought my birthday present. My birthday is on the 18th on January and she came home on Thursday and wrapped the present in front of me. But that's not all. After successfully guessing the contents of the wrapped package, I was shocked to see the smiling faces of Kate Middleton and Prince William on a postcard taped to the front of the Gavin and Stacey box set.

The Gavin and Stacey box set, I was happy about. The postcard? I'm still not sure how I felt about that. I have nothing against the royal family but nor do I have any affiliation with them.

Whilst I was suitably conflicted, Orla produced two more postcards. One which had, in her words, "Phil and Lizzie, chillin' " and another with Prince Harry on the front which she playfully described as her future husband......yeah.....


Kricky Donnelly's  birthday also made me laugh. Not only because he tried to claim the go-karting I arranged was for him (his birthday is 2 days after mine and so he felt that, as his was the most recent, it was his birthday. Meh I won anyway so it doesn't matter) but because I was the first to say happy birthday to him.

Right, I get that this isn't an achievement. But you have to understand that this means everything to a friend of mine. Caoimhe McManus lives to be the first person to say happy person to somebody. So much so, that she waits till midnight and texts them a birthday message. We argued for a bit when I tried to tell her that she wasn't first to wish me a happy birthday, but third. It's not true, she was in fact first, but her reactions crack me up to no end.

On the night on Kricky's birthday, I texted him asking him if he wanted to mess with Caoimhe's head. Kricky, being Kricky, jumped at the chance. We planned that he would say that I said happy birthday before her.
So there I was, stewing in my own mischief....what?
And I was reading my book. I put down the book and saw it was 23:59 and I'm like:

Why the fudge not?

So I really did text him first.

Caoimhe was NOT happy. Kricky and I were.

I think this invalidates my "saint" comment earlier.

Anyway, to finish I thought I'd wish a happy birthday to you all. Doubly so Aaron "MoonBeam" Carey as it is his actually birthday tomorrow.

Because, yeno, what's a birthday without a monkey?

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...Yeah OK So I'm Just Riffing

Blogging has become a large part of my life now. And with good reason. Seeing as it is a (much) less formal take on what I would like to pursue as a future career. And because of this, I've been keeping my eyes open for anything strange, weird, wonderful or boring that I can exaggerate so far past it's point of origin, it is basically a lie.
For instance. You know that saying "Like a hot knife through butter" ?

It's crap

Seriously.

I was making toast after a hard day restraining myself from yelling at teachers and I had to get butter from the fridge. The stuff was like a brick. I HATE rock hard butter. It destroys toast. Literally. The stuff won't spread so you're left with a veritable bomb site of wheat and flour.
It's doubly annoying because by the time you've given up with elegance and just started tossing butter at the toast, you don't even enjoy eating it because it's now lukewarm.
And as everybody knows, there is a race to get everything out and ready so you can butter the toast as fast as possible so the butter melts and the toast is still hot. It's true. Everyone does it

Yes you do.

YES you do!

Don't lie to me. I know you. I can tell when you're lying....

Anyway, to counteract the rock solid butter I thought (with generous amounts of ingenuity) I should run the knife under boiling water and then butter my toast.
Since I started boiling my knives...not a damn thing changed.

Toast destroyed, butter still cold, family murdered, I'm arrested, I escape, befriend a wise-cracking owl only to be led astray into the darkness of the forest wear I'm killed by a bear on the command of the terrifying, ruthless, evil photocopier woman...WILMA!!!
Or something along those lines anyway.

Seriously though, Wilma? Scares the crap out of everyone. Teachers included. She refuses to photocopy things for people. And yet she is the photo copy woman. Interesting career path she chose.

Due to the fact that I want to be a journalist I feel I should report the news now and again.
Maybe just local news. Really local news. News about the school.

Rome trip for next year? Cancelled. What the actual bejeesus? That was maybe the only thing keeping me from a severe mental breakdown. According to my history teacher, Mrs Johnston, one of the teachers organising the trip, the board felt that "...due to the current economic climate, it is too costly to pay for the staff insurance"

I feel robbed. Well and truly this frustrates me.

I guess I'll just have to organise my own holiday with friends for next year



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And You Thought You had my Personality Pegged

By now you may or may not have realised that I am a weird dude. In my time here as a blogger (AKA points out things you already know from a source you don't want to get it from) I have talked about my dream that the Disney Channel would be brought to ruin, that I hug random strangers (not really though), showed you several odd photographs of animals (What I do with my time, Ladies and Gentlemen) and gave the proposal that Nick Clegg raising tuition fees could have possibly been brought about by bandit raccoons. Clearly I am not the most mentally.....sound person you're ever going to meet.

However recently, I discovered that even my dreams at night are abnormal.
The way for me to have the best dreams is to be really tired and sleep for around 12 or 13 hours. Or if I have the flu-MAN flu. Because I'm a MAN.

What do I mean by abnormal? Do I exhibit personalities in my dream world that are not congruent with my personality in real life?
You could say that. You could also say I dreamt I was the Incredible Hulk...as a politician....in an Armani suit.

You heard me.

But that's not all. Inside a room in my school (so the hulk debates politics in school what of it?) everything began to rumble. So running outside it turns out my friend Michael Goldring's family had got me a giant robot to smash because the Hulk likes to smash things.
What nice people right?

After smashing the robot I, for reasons unknown, began to create broomsticks upon which I could fly.
Weird as that sounds, it's a big leap for me. I'm serious. In all of my dreams, I have never been able to fly before. I was a little birdy thing before. Couldn't fly. Pterodactyl. Couldn't fly. Friggen superman couldn't even fly. If was pathetically funny because he was just sort of hopping up and down, clawing at the air.


Yeah....


The next night of dreams was a lot weirder and more sinister.
My entire year at school was at the cinema and, on by one, they began to be replaced with identical copies of themselves. After this was discovered there was panic and terror and we were trying to hide from the evil, the despicable...BEN JOHNSTON!!!!
That's right folks. My friend Ben Johnston was the leader of the impostors. Granted he himself was not Ben but an impostor, but still.
After going round...wherever the hell I was. I think it was either Queens university or West Minister Abbey. Anyway. Unimportant. And this is dragging on. The impostors where invincible!!
I tried (prepare for awkward psychosis moment) stabbing one of them with a Biro. No reaction. Worst part about this is that all the impostors are people from my year.....No I'm not going to say who I stabbed!


Straying from things that make me sound like I should be have my mental stability checked, My friend  Chris Logan had a brilliant idea. You see it was his birthday a few days ago and so he received from another friend, not a card, not a present, not a hug, but a toy from McDonald's.
More specifically, it was a three inch tall "Crimson Chin" from Fairly Odd Parents AKA the best cartoon on TV.
Chris' idea was that we should take pictures of the Chin in various poses and with different people. This is the outcome

The Crimson munChin (eh? See what I did there?)

Brushing Up on his R.E.

My Personal Favourite: The speck still seems more intimidating than the 6 foot 4 dude next to him

Brilliant idea Chris.

The Chin is forever immortalised in the minds of both of my regular readers

As usual Like the blog, tell me what you thought in the comment section and Follow me for updates on when I post a new one and I'll see you next sunday.

Scheduled Posts...What The Hell Was I Smoking?

Jeeeez I actually don't think I could have chosen a worse time to decide I should specify a time I talk crap. I mean I have English coursework (again) and economics homework. I simply don't have the time to update you on my life, the majority of which I am sure you have no interest in.

So here's what's happened....
......
......
......
......NOTHING!! Nothing of any worth has happened to me in the five days since I wrote you last. I was banking on the fact that I would see something vaguely humorous and expand upon it and greatly exaggerate it. But no. I did go to a pub quiz in Rasharkin and while it was fun, there wasn't much to write about other than the fact Aideen Brogan revealed to us that she is incapable of writing the English language.

You remember Aideen don't you? A-level geography student but had no idea where Milan was? ah Aideen. An endless source of amusement to people with my disposition.

Back at the quiz we were hopeless at answering questions. In my team was Michael Goldring, Peter Hasson, Jordan Devlin, Lauren Mc Afee, Aideen Brogan, Katherine Neeson and Ciara McKeown and we were called "I can't pronounce that" I came up with it and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of it. I mean when Cathal O'Hagan, the quiz master, read it out to the people, there was silence broken seconds later by Hugh Cochrane shouting out

Can you not actually pronounce it? Or is that their name?

The joke wasn't good enough apparently to win us the prize for the best name. Winners were "Let's get quizzical".....I know right? Awful, cringe-worthy name wasn't it? It belonged to Danielle Marley, Lauren Elliot, Ben Johnston sometimes although at one point he was in my team and he just ditched us and maybe Joanne Traynor? I can't really remember who was all in their team. Their name was "let's get quizzical" after all. Why would I want to remember that?

Anyway, there you have it. I've taken time out of by busy schedule that is only busy because I'm lazy and put things off. And I've taken time out of it to talk to you. You should be honoured. Because if you're not....there's not really anything I can do about it but say shut up and log out really quickly so I can't see your comeback

Leave a comment, click the facebook "like" button and click that little Follow button next to the post....please? Pretty please? There's a prize if you do....No I'm not going to tell you what it is. Its a surprise.

Anyway. Toodles.....that's a word I'm never going to say again

Maturity? What the hell would I want with a thing like that?

So I turned 17 on Tuesday (woohoo) so to celebrate I went out with friends on Friday and went go-karting on Saturday.

Friday
Another day another Romania gig. Initially I was all for it because my friends went out the weekend before but to some crappy bar full of chavs and severe alcoholics so I didn't go. But then I was all

Meh

I mean I'd got up really early that morning, like 6 in the morning to get an English essay done that I had neglected to do for about a week. Not entirely a bad thing seeing as I actually got to listen to a large chunk of The Chris Moyles show which is always a good thing.
The gig/party/disco thing started at nine and by half 8 I had more or less decided I didn't want to go. Story over. Apparently not as about an hour and a half before hand I promised I would give a friend of mine a lift. So with a heavy heart we went. There were already a few friends of mine there and so we sat with them...turned out they weren't feeling the party vibe.

Yawns ensued.

So I got up and went to get a drink (coke before you ask about the alcoholic content). It's amazing what a little bit of sugar can do for you. I got back and realised these guys were not ready for fun.
Circulating the room for a bit, I struck gold.

PRINGLES!!
they belonged to people I know so it wasn't weird. I swear I didn't walk up to a randomer and steal their pringles......Quick look over there!

Anyway ignoring my sneaky diversion, few of my friends left 'cus they felt the night was going to suck. I can't blame them. It was slow to start.

But then Ben arrived.

Ben Johnston, a long time friend of mine, had turned up from work and it turns out, Ben is amazingly funny/creepy when he's drunk. He kissed lots of people that night lots of times....Not one of them was a female. I'm ashamed to say I was one of his victims. But don't despair for I was not alone. I have a picture of him with his lips latched onto Ryan Kennedy's face. That is coming out at every major event in his life that he will let me near.

The majority of the night was spent dancing like a mad ("mawd" to my Derry reader(s)) man. Although mad men don't generally dance well.

I am NO exception. Ben however started the sprinkler at one point and by the end of the night every body wanted to sprinkle. Ben's awesome when he's inebriated.

He wasn't the greatest/weirdest/creepiest thing on the dance floor that night though.

At one point a random dude just appeared on the dance floor air-guitaring his heart out to Sweet Child o' Mine by Guns N' Roses. This guy had hair that stretched from his head to half way down his back and looked about forty. From what we could tell, he was alone.
For every ones sake, I hope that not every body in their forties does this. I don't want to be the creepy guy at a party for 17/18 year-olds. Here's what he looked like. He's the dark guy in the background

Yeah....Mid-life crisis? I think so
The raffle was an endless source of amusement for us. Now me being me, I didn't buy any tickets. Charity? Those needy kids have had it too good for too long.
The only guy I actually saw win anything was Niall Lynch.  Next thing I know Oonagh Laverty has told me the wrapped raffle prizes are now fair game. Ben and I turn and look at each other and sprint for the presents.
You want to know what I won? A PedOrb. One of those things you use to scrape dead skin off your foot...Awesome. Ben got a big bag of plastic toy animals. We named the giraffe Gerry.

Gerry got around a lot that night. Ben was weirdly attached to that toy animal. It wasn't until later I realised, quite by coincidence that they were Ben&Gerry. Not much more to say there. That just made me giggle.

Saturday
This was the day my friends and I went go-karting. Twelve teenage boys, none of whom have actually any driving experience, racing round a wet course in petrol fuelled karts. We knew that this could only end in hilarity.

And sure enough Ryan Kennedy crashed into the first corner so hard that he got half his kart wedged underneath it. This corner was fittingly named Kennedy's Corner.
The best time that day was David O'Neill with an insane time of 20 seconds exactly. I was close behind....in eighth place. Although my time was 20.8 seconds. AAAAAANNNND  I got a medal. Superhappyfuntimes? Why yes Timmy. Yes they were. I don't even know anybody called Timmy. Or Tim for that matter. I know somebody whose last name is Timoney but I don't suppose that's what you're looking for.

OK so I may have only got the medal because it was my birthday. But more importantly we looked like a crime fighting team when the guy took a photo of us on the podium

We are the ELITE!!

The effect was suitably ruined by Conail McMullan and Ryan facing the camera. Jamie Higgins and Michael McNaghten are looking at the camera as well but Michael looks like a super villain and Jamie his henchman. I suppose Conail could be the comic relief character that does everything wrong. Look at that little face of his. Hard to take seriously as a super hero.
But yes anyway in short, I have a medal and Dave doesn't so I think we all know who the real winner here is.

After that we all went back to mine. It was you're typical guys night in. There was pizza, there was call of duty, there was hide and seek.
Yes folks, there was hide and seek. And I won't lie to you, it was a lot of fun. My parents walking in at one point to find me hiding under the table and Jamie hiding in a cupboard. They were more than a little shocked when they saw him and ashamed they had a son like me. To be honest, they should totally be proud to have such an excellent hider of a son
I was it one point and I went into a room and searched under the table when the lights were off. I stuff my hand under and heard something shuffle. I reached back further. Another shuffle. Then the hider got very unlucky for you see ladies and gentlemen, his phone began to ring. It lit up under the table and showed me exactly where he was hiding. Poor Kricky Donnelly. You don't catch a break do you?

Well good. Because you did a bad thing. The first time Kricky comes to my house, he takes pictures of photographs of me from when I was younger. There's one of chubby James, pajama PlayStation James and his personal favourite, the King James. The King James is a photo of me standing in one of those things you stick your head in and take a photo so it looks like its your head on a weird body. For instance, this was a King and I pulled a "regal" face to the best of my ability. Needless to say I looked ridiculous and Kricky did what every teenage boy with those kind of photos would do.

He put it on Facebook.

Kricky's dead to me.

Anyway after the pizza got here but before Kricky ceased to exist in my mind, the guys decided they wanted to go on the trampoline outside...at night...in the the cold and ice...My friends aren't exactly cautious.
Jamie and Kricky were on the trampoline and told me to jump and see how easy it was to fall.
Skeptical me with a slice of pizza in my hand, I gingerly stepped onto the trampoline. I took one jump straight upwards and wound up suddenly flying sideways.

Now I know what you;re thinking and I was worried too. But no, the pizza was not harmed during the incident. It as good pizza too. Mmmmm Dominos pizza.

Speaking of Dominos Jordan Duffy now works there and spent 10 minutes describing to me how Dominos and crafty A-holes. He says that with those deals like "Buy one large get another free" your charged like £4 extra per pizza. What a Jip!
If there are two things I hate its spending money unnecessarily and being hungry. I guess I'm going to have to choose which one means more to me.

Well I'm pretty sure that's my weekend wrapped up. Next up will probably be about the Romania QUIZ. Another one that is. Unless there isn't really much to talk about.

I'm thinking about updating on a regular basis so you guys don't have to guess whenever I have a new post up.
Maybe every Sunday between 7 and 9 sometime. Well we'll see how this goes.

How do you like the time? Don't answer. I don't even care.

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