That sounded a lot less gay in my head, but now the word wonderful is sandwiched in my head between the words "simply" and "darling" to form the ultra-homosexual "simply wonderful darling"
One of these days I'll stick to the point of the story throughout the entire post. And on that day the world will end.
Back on track, recently I was at the hospital for a very minor surgery where I was able to flaunt my super-human ability to alleviate the awkwardness that arises between strangers. It could well be my only talent. Well that and doing the bunny twitch with my nose. More fun than it sounds, I swear
In preparation for the surgery I had to submit to #2 on my list of things entitled DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO THESE THINGS UNLESS A BEAR HAS GAINED A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR AND TELLS YOU TO DO THEM OR HE WILL EAT YOUR FACE
#2 on this list was "Never willingly or knowingly go without food" and this rule is only topped by #1 which is "never willingly or knowingly go without or allow people to deprive you of sleep"
The fact that I was being anaesthetised and would therefore sleep for the majority of the day softened the blow.
Upon arriving, the doctor began to ask me a series of routine questions and when he had finished, he asked me which football team I supported. This left me in a bit of a bind. You see, I'm not exactly the sportiest person in the world. No, no it's true! I enjoy playing football but I really, REALLY suck at it. It's kind of funny how bad I am. And as for watching it on TV...well there's usually something better on. If not, there's always that little button labelled standby on the remote which saves me from watching it.
So I answered him with a team I haven't bothered supporting since I was about 12, Liverpool.
Rookie mistake.
For the rest of the day I had to pretend I gave a crap about professional, televised sports. And at the time, all I could think of was
Now, now, don't anger the doctor who makes sure you are unconscious while they cut you open.Sound advice from the surprisingly small common sense section of my brain
And then they did this to me
BLEAGH. They put a tube inside a vein!!!
That is disgusting. Simply disgusting. Retchable and other non-real words. What made it worse was there was a student doctor there who, whenever Sports Doctor told us he was about to put in the IV, she said, with too much glee in her eyes for my liking:
Can I watch?I couldn't contain myself. She sounded like one of my sisters. Can I watch? I'm about to have my veins violated so that I can be cut open with a big sharp scary knife, and you're asking the doctor if you can watch...she could have at least brought me some food!
But getting the IV pulled out is the worst!! I won't bore you with the details, but there's blood. Too much blood for me.
But after the surgery I wake up and the nurse comes over. She doesn't ask "How are you feeling", but rather she says "About time. Your mother's been on the phone and she was just telling us how long you sleep"
Oh yeah. I'm sure the drugs you pumped directly to my veins had nothing to do with it. Cheeky little bitc-
*cough*
Eventually, another doctor came over to see how I was doing. Now being the typical smart-ass that I am, I had to answer the questions in a somewhat humorous way. For example, a doctor with accented English came over and said
How are you feeling?To which I had to reply
That threw him a little. Hey, they cut me open; I get to have a little fun.I'm not too bad, what about yourself?
Of course maybe I was taking it too far whenever the doctor asked if I had any questions and I asked, without thinking of what I was saying:
How many times a day would you get the words "What's up doc?"I thought it was hilarious! I still do in fact.
And that was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week. It's a little sad isn't it?
But it's all OK because the hospital gave me super-mega strength pain killers which I suspect could knock out an elephant, so that should keep me amused.
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