Small Talk

Small talk is all code.

By asking about the weather, schools, jobs etc. we can determine everything we need to know about a person. For example, imagine you go for a cup of coffee or something and there's a queue. As you're waiting in line, you strike up a conversation with another caffeine enthusiast. You can't make the usual jokes or use the usual slang and tone you would with friends and family, so you adopt a more soothing and a more generally acceptable version of yourself.

This is Step 1: Assimilation

Step 2: Research begins at the actual interrogation. "Where are you from?/what do you do for a living?/What's your blood type?/At what exact time of the day will you be home alone?". The usual routine.
Their answers reveal the darkest recesses of their mysterious and often terrifying personalities. "It's windy out today isn't it?" you'll say.
"I held a wedding ceremony for my cat and its favourite scratching post this morning. I can't wait until the kittens are born" they'll reply.

Step 3: Reaction Is where you decide whether or not, as a result of your attempts at small talk you can continue the conversation and potentially make a new friend or quietly and subtly dissuade them from talking to you, pay for your coffee (or not, I'm not a cop) and leave knowing you might have just escaped from the clutches of a serial killer.

Alternatively, you might have made them realise they're going to die alone and thus forced them to take out their pain, abandonment and subsequent aggression on the world, birthing a mad man of untold potential into society.

This must be why I don't have any friends. Too many serial killers about. Do I put out some kind of mass murderer victim vibe?

Ever since I was really young, I always loved it when you were in class and you were divided up into groups to do a project or something. Everyone would groan because they didn't get to pick their groups they could stuff with their friends. I would be disappointed as well, at least ostensibly. But really I was excited that I would get to work with someone that I usually didn't speak to so i could make a new friend.

That makes me sound horribly lonely and friendless. I wasn't and am not today, I swear (*sob*). I just enjoy making new friends. I'm good at it too. But unfortunately I have an intense hatred of small talk. I'm what you might call an acquired taste. I get a little uncomfortable when I meet a new person because I don't really know what to say. I just open my mouth and words I hadn't planned to say come crashing out like a tsunami of awkwardness and bad jokes.

Usually I say the bare minimum and get straight to the point. "Where do you go to school?" "Stirling" ...*silence*. When I realise I'm socially obliged to say something else to fill this void, I make a joke that is either terrible, unrelated or simply has no basis in reality.
It gets worse when they ask about my course, which is Psychology by the way. They ooh and aah in all the appropriate places and ask what I hope to do with that.

As it turns out vague questions about my goals in life are my kryptonite. That and light to moderate pain.

Yet when they are forced to be around me for a length of time they come to see that I am likable (sometimes),charming (eventually) and funny (no). This is why I will be just fine in halls come September.

These people will have to come to like me.

They have no choice...