What has it been? 5...6...1 year 31 weeks and 6 days?
Time's just flown hasn't it?
So what's happened in all this time? What changes have there been in my day to day life, in my ongoing existence on this planet, in my very core and fundamental beliefs?
...not much.
In all honesty I can't really remember. It's all a bit of a blur. Of course you can't take my word for it. My memory of this morning is a bit of a blur. There was definitely cereal involved...or was that toast? Did I have breakfast?
Sidetracked. Some things never change.
Myself and 10 of my friends went on holiday to - shock horror- Magalluf. Can you believe it? 11 teenage boys threw a dart at a globe and managed to hit the most popular destination spot for those who find themselves in the limbo that is the year between secondary education and university. A place where morals and supervision go to die. What are the odds?
But don't let that fool you. We were responsible mature adults who looked out for each other and didn't cause a stir to the local populace...mostly.
We stole tables from various hotel rooms to give us one large one, the centre of which was reserved for our salad bowl which we periodically filled with random assortments of alcoholic beverages as per the rules of the glorious game "Kings" or as it's also known "Ring of Fire"
This game actually led to the expansion of my vocabulary with words such as "chunder", "chundering dragon" and "oh my god please help me my insides are on fire I'm going to die" making new and interesting additions to my dictionary.
Now, the law and my pride prevents me from discussing any further details of the trip. Any enquiries you have can be addressed to my lawyer who will swiftly use many technical phrases and legal jargon to confuse and disarm you with the ultimate message being "shut up and go away".
What else...oh yes
ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAVE LEFT ME
Well okay that's not strictly true. They went to university. Most of them are in Belfast, some went to Derry, hell some of them are still in Ballymena. But it leaves me with little chance to distribute my dangerous habit. A habit that is detrimental to both myself and those around me. A habit that could lead me to an early grave. Something I got hooked on when I was 15. One day everything was normal and then BOOM. Addiction hit me like a freight train.
When I was fifteen years old I got addicted to talking. Not just talking mind you. But producing unhealthy amounts of bull shit and terrible jokes that proved to be detrimental to my health and the patience of those around me.
I like to think I'm pretty good at it too. But of course that mightn't be true. It could be my ego. Or my penchant for bullshitting. Or it could be my ego AND my penchant for bullshitting teaming up in a super villain-esque tag team to rid the world of any remnants of my virtuous nature still in existence.
This gift of the gab will eventually cause everyone around me to leave. Oh they'll say they tried to help.
They'll say
"how can we help someone who doesn't want to be helped?"
They'll say
"James for the last time you aren't funny. You're annoying"To which I will reply
"For god's sake I made one pun about Thursday and thirsty! Put the knife away!"My mother has quite the temper.
I will bear this burden until the end of my days. And by "burden" I mean "blessing". And by "end of my days" I mean until September when I will move to Scotland for university and meet new people who's patience meters have not been tainted and forever damaged simply by being in my presence.
It's fun to bother people.
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