Scheduled Posts...What The Hell Was I Smoking?

Jeeeez I actually don't think I could have chosen a worse time to decide I should specify a time I talk crap. I mean I have English coursework (again) and economics homework. I simply don't have the time to update you on my life, the majority of which I am sure you have no interest in.

So here's what's happened....
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......NOTHING!! Nothing of any worth has happened to me in the five days since I wrote you last. I was banking on the fact that I would see something vaguely humorous and expand upon it and greatly exaggerate it. But no. I did go to a pub quiz in Rasharkin and while it was fun, there wasn't much to write about other than the fact Aideen Brogan revealed to us that she is incapable of writing the English language.

You remember Aideen don't you? A-level geography student but had no idea where Milan was? ah Aideen. An endless source of amusement to people with my disposition.

Back at the quiz we were hopeless at answering questions. In my team was Michael Goldring, Peter Hasson, Jordan Devlin, Lauren Mc Afee, Aideen Brogan, Katherine Neeson and Ciara McKeown and we were called "I can't pronounce that" I came up with it and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of it. I mean when Cathal O'Hagan, the quiz master, read it out to the people, there was silence broken seconds later by Hugh Cochrane shouting out

Can you not actually pronounce it? Or is that their name?

The joke wasn't good enough apparently to win us the prize for the best name. Winners were "Let's get quizzical".....I know right? Awful, cringe-worthy name wasn't it? It belonged to Danielle Marley, Lauren Elliot, Ben Johnston sometimes although at one point he was in my team and he just ditched us and maybe Joanne Traynor? I can't really remember who was all in their team. Their name was "let's get quizzical" after all. Why would I want to remember that?

Anyway, there you have it. I've taken time out of by busy schedule that is only busy because I'm lazy and put things off. And I've taken time out of it to talk to you. You should be honoured. Because if you're not....there's not really anything I can do about it but say shut up and log out really quickly so I can't see your comeback

Leave a comment, click the facebook "like" button and click that little Follow button next to the post....please? Pretty please? There's a prize if you do....No I'm not going to tell you what it is. Its a surprise.

Anyway. Toodles.....that's a word I'm never going to say again

Maturity? What the hell would I want with a thing like that?

So I turned 17 on Tuesday (woohoo) so to celebrate I went out with friends on Friday and went go-karting on Saturday.

Friday
Another day another Romania gig. Initially I was all for it because my friends went out the weekend before but to some crappy bar full of chavs and severe alcoholics so I didn't go. But then I was all

Meh

I mean I'd got up really early that morning, like 6 in the morning to get an English essay done that I had neglected to do for about a week. Not entirely a bad thing seeing as I actually got to listen to a large chunk of The Chris Moyles show which is always a good thing.
The gig/party/disco thing started at nine and by half 8 I had more or less decided I didn't want to go. Story over. Apparently not as about an hour and a half before hand I promised I would give a friend of mine a lift. So with a heavy heart we went. There were already a few friends of mine there and so we sat with them...turned out they weren't feeling the party vibe.

Yawns ensued.

So I got up and went to get a drink (coke before you ask about the alcoholic content). It's amazing what a little bit of sugar can do for you. I got back and realised these guys were not ready for fun.
Circulating the room for a bit, I struck gold.

PRINGLES!!
they belonged to people I know so it wasn't weird. I swear I didn't walk up to a randomer and steal their pringles......Quick look over there!

Anyway ignoring my sneaky diversion, few of my friends left 'cus they felt the night was going to suck. I can't blame them. It was slow to start.

But then Ben arrived.

Ben Johnston, a long time friend of mine, had turned up from work and it turns out, Ben is amazingly funny/creepy when he's drunk. He kissed lots of people that night lots of times....Not one of them was a female. I'm ashamed to say I was one of his victims. But don't despair for I was not alone. I have a picture of him with his lips latched onto Ryan Kennedy's face. That is coming out at every major event in his life that he will let me near.

The majority of the night was spent dancing like a mad ("mawd" to my Derry reader(s)) man. Although mad men don't generally dance well.

I am NO exception. Ben however started the sprinkler at one point and by the end of the night every body wanted to sprinkle. Ben's awesome when he's inebriated.

He wasn't the greatest/weirdest/creepiest thing on the dance floor that night though.

At one point a random dude just appeared on the dance floor air-guitaring his heart out to Sweet Child o' Mine by Guns N' Roses. This guy had hair that stretched from his head to half way down his back and looked about forty. From what we could tell, he was alone.
For every ones sake, I hope that not every body in their forties does this. I don't want to be the creepy guy at a party for 17/18 year-olds. Here's what he looked like. He's the dark guy in the background

Yeah....Mid-life crisis? I think so
The raffle was an endless source of amusement for us. Now me being me, I didn't buy any tickets. Charity? Those needy kids have had it too good for too long.
The only guy I actually saw win anything was Niall Lynch.  Next thing I know Oonagh Laverty has told me the wrapped raffle prizes are now fair game. Ben and I turn and look at each other and sprint for the presents.
You want to know what I won? A PedOrb. One of those things you use to scrape dead skin off your foot...Awesome. Ben got a big bag of plastic toy animals. We named the giraffe Gerry.

Gerry got around a lot that night. Ben was weirdly attached to that toy animal. It wasn't until later I realised, quite by coincidence that they were Ben&Gerry. Not much more to say there. That just made me giggle.

Saturday
This was the day my friends and I went go-karting. Twelve teenage boys, none of whom have actually any driving experience, racing round a wet course in petrol fuelled karts. We knew that this could only end in hilarity.

And sure enough Ryan Kennedy crashed into the first corner so hard that he got half his kart wedged underneath it. This corner was fittingly named Kennedy's Corner.
The best time that day was David O'Neill with an insane time of 20 seconds exactly. I was close behind....in eighth place. Although my time was 20.8 seconds. AAAAAANNNND  I got a medal. Superhappyfuntimes? Why yes Timmy. Yes they were. I don't even know anybody called Timmy. Or Tim for that matter. I know somebody whose last name is Timoney but I don't suppose that's what you're looking for.

OK so I may have only got the medal because it was my birthday. But more importantly we looked like a crime fighting team when the guy took a photo of us on the podium

We are the ELITE!!

The effect was suitably ruined by Conail McMullan and Ryan facing the camera. Jamie Higgins and Michael McNaghten are looking at the camera as well but Michael looks like a super villain and Jamie his henchman. I suppose Conail could be the comic relief character that does everything wrong. Look at that little face of his. Hard to take seriously as a super hero.
But yes anyway in short, I have a medal and Dave doesn't so I think we all know who the real winner here is.

After that we all went back to mine. It was you're typical guys night in. There was pizza, there was call of duty, there was hide and seek.
Yes folks, there was hide and seek. And I won't lie to you, it was a lot of fun. My parents walking in at one point to find me hiding under the table and Jamie hiding in a cupboard. They were more than a little shocked when they saw him and ashamed they had a son like me. To be honest, they should totally be proud to have such an excellent hider of a son
I was it one point and I went into a room and searched under the table when the lights were off. I stuff my hand under and heard something shuffle. I reached back further. Another shuffle. Then the hider got very unlucky for you see ladies and gentlemen, his phone began to ring. It lit up under the table and showed me exactly where he was hiding. Poor Kricky Donnelly. You don't catch a break do you?

Well good. Because you did a bad thing. The first time Kricky comes to my house, he takes pictures of photographs of me from when I was younger. There's one of chubby James, pajama PlayStation James and his personal favourite, the King James. The King James is a photo of me standing in one of those things you stick your head in and take a photo so it looks like its your head on a weird body. For instance, this was a King and I pulled a "regal" face to the best of my ability. Needless to say I looked ridiculous and Kricky did what every teenage boy with those kind of photos would do.

He put it on Facebook.

Kricky's dead to me.

Anyway after the pizza got here but before Kricky ceased to exist in my mind, the guys decided they wanted to go on the trampoline outside...at night...in the the cold and ice...My friends aren't exactly cautious.
Jamie and Kricky were on the trampoline and told me to jump and see how easy it was to fall.
Skeptical me with a slice of pizza in my hand, I gingerly stepped onto the trampoline. I took one jump straight upwards and wound up suddenly flying sideways.

Now I know what you;re thinking and I was worried too. But no, the pizza was not harmed during the incident. It as good pizza too. Mmmmm Dominos pizza.

Speaking of Dominos Jordan Duffy now works there and spent 10 minutes describing to me how Dominos and crafty A-holes. He says that with those deals like "Buy one large get another free" your charged like £4 extra per pizza. What a Jip!
If there are two things I hate its spending money unnecessarily and being hungry. I guess I'm going to have to choose which one means more to me.

Well I'm pretty sure that's my weekend wrapped up. Next up will probably be about the Romania QUIZ. Another one that is. Unless there isn't really much to talk about.

I'm thinking about updating on a regular basis so you guys don't have to guess whenever I have a new post up.
Maybe every Sunday between 7 and 9 sometime. Well we'll see how this goes.

How do you like the time? Don't answer. I don't even care.

Like, Comment and Follow please :)

I'm sensing a double-standard, here.

Sexism's a funny thing. Late last night I received 3 drunken phone calls (more calls from drunk friends...am I, like, a magnet or something for this kind of thing?) from two friends. Two from Conail McMullan and one from Michael Goldring. Immediately I hung up Conail's first call because it sounded as if he had ass-dialled me. The second one I also hung up pretty sharpish because when I answered the phone all I heard was

HAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
And if there's one thing I hate, it's things that annoy me. And shouting in my ear THAT'S annoying. But me being rude is excusable as Conail's a bastard i.e. he'll get over it.

I gave Michael's a chance because his call was more tolerant. Anyway his call was mainly nothing more than

James I'm just calling to say I've met a guy here who's going steady with a girl from our primary school

That's great Michael

You don't care do you

No, not really

I'M NOT DRUNK. I'M TIPSY JAMES! I'M TIPSY!

What a guy. Needless to say, my respect-o-meter took a significant dip.

This made me realise something. You might remember that I got a similar call on New Years Eve from Niamh Canavan. If you haven't, go look it up. There's a story there about my severe misfortune that terrible people (AKA my friends) seem to find hilarious

Anyway I realised that when I get a call like this from the guys in my year, it's annoying. But when its from the girls, it's hilarious. Mainly because you wouldn't expect it from the girls. I expect it from the guys. Well Conail at least....what an ass.

You wouldn't expect a girl to ring people drunk as they are usually so much more mature... Caoimhe McManus probably won't let me live that down but it's true. I mean I get excited at colourful socks, I feel the need to see most cartoon movies and giggle in history every time I hear the name Manteuffel. On top of that I spend my time half listening to conversations and building more interesting stories around those.

Example: I once heard my mum giving off to my sister because she could only find one sock. Immediately, my mind jumped to "a tiny man who hides in your food, and after you ingest him, travels through your blood until he gets to the feet and eats the sock from the inside"

.....At this point I feel I may have divulged too much

Dear God, why the hell are my posts getting worse? Maybe I need help.

OK new rule. You guys, my readers (all three of you) are encouraged to post ideas for posts in the comment section. I guess it's time for Posting a comment on James' Blog - For Idiots...serious idiots. Idiots with medical conditions that affect the mind

To post a comment on a given post you can either click on the name of the post in the blog archive and scroll to the bottom of the post or you click on the thing that says "0 comments" or however many comments it has at that point and it should bring you to the post with a comment box at the bottom.

Try not to write any lewd comments...lewd...what a word.

Anyway this goes for any and all future posts

Gotta leave your name or I'll just ignore you.

And I can here you saying how lazy I am and you are right sir!

Audience?!?

Audience? What are you doing reading my insane ramblings from around the world, audience?
They could make you go crazy. Or become more like me. Some would argue that to be a bad thing. Something to be terrified of. Does that make this blog an act of terrorism?
Anyway that's pointless and irrelevant. The point of this blog is....
...um
......oh oh oh I got it. I have two modules to do this week and that depresses me. So what cheers me up? Tricking people into reading the absurdity, the delirium, and any other four syllable words that are synonymous with insanity that resides in this blog.

Although, on the subject of pointlessness, irrelevance and randomosity (the point has spiralled wildly out of control and at this point, I'm just riffing) watch these videos. They are hilarious if you have that kind of sense of humour. You will not, however, enjoy it if you like order, well planned jokes, satirical comedy or wear a suit. That last part isn't exactly integral but a business man wears a suit and I have never met a business man who could have been a comedian. Of course if you are a boring person like that, then what the hell are you reading this for.

Go plan a spreadsheet for your businesses annual sales revenue or something

Anyway, here are the links to the videos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKB4h9gvmm0
                                                             http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oY6tCnu-1Do

Moving on, I just wanted to profess my excitement at the multitude of countries I've reached even though chances were they didn't actually read anything.
There's:

• The UK
• The US
• Slovenia
• Germany
• Austrailia
• France
• Serbia
• Taiwan
• South Africa
• Croatia
• Singapore
• Denmark
• Russia (In soviet Russia, Blog reads YOU....I had to say it. Don't judge me)
• Austria
• India
• Sweden
• And the one that started it all, Malaysia.

How the hell did I wind up in Croatia. I couldn't point to Croatia on a map! Or Serbia for that matter. Or Slovenia. OK the point is: Geography? Not my forte.

Which, like one big circle-y, object thing that leads me all the way back to school.

The bane of my existence. A necessary evil. Although I'm inclined to think that nothing this evil is necessary. Modules destroy my brain and if I concentrate, I can actually feel a constant pressure headachey thing at all times. I've come to the conclusion that this is either something living in my head trying to break its way out, oooooor a serious mental condition yeno whatever.

Regardless, I shall stumble my way through the dark tunnel of horrible horrors that is my A-levels until I reach the light at the end of the tunnel. No that isn't a death threat of heading toward the light. The light is a metaphor, silly!

The light is when everything I've dreamt of comes true. Successful journalist, no tests, Monies and the destruction of the Disney channel. Hopefully that last one comes about at my own hands. But dreams don't always come true.

With my luck, Disney Channel will be around until the end of time.

Oh how I despise it.

Weirdest New Years Ever!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's 2011 and to reign it in there obviously has to be a situation in which I believe myself to be hallucinating. During the evening/night/morning I opened my front door to find a guy dressed as woody outside. He was carrying twin pistols and a sword. These pistols were around 240 years old and he had just come from a fancy dress party...who the hell brings antique pistols worth a couple of grand to a fancy dress party??

This further enhances my belief that my life is one big dream.

Of course in a dream there's nothing awkward. A guy who lives near me and will not be named was at my house at my parents invitation. At one point he struck up conversation with me and as soon as he opened his mouth 2 things became apparent to me.

1. This man was completely wasted. I knew this because he was slurring his words so bad i thought there might have been something medically wrong with him
2. This was going to be the most awkward/embarrassing conversation in the history of my life.

He started talking about his son, whom I knew when i was younger but never really got along with. Mainly because his son was mean and hit me a lot. I was 4 or 5 tops so this was enough to steer me clear of him forevermore. The drunk man said to me in these exact words:

Yeah, see my son's not like you, he doesn't talk much to people he doesn't know...He's a bit of a boring *C-word* (My family reads this blog I'm hardly going to write that out. Use your imagination)

I'm standing there, shell shocked to say the least, watching a middle aged inebriated man laugh his heart out. He then continued (to my horror) to say:

Nah, nah he's a nice kid...Could do with a shag though

There has never been a point in my life where I contemplated tearing my own ears off and burning them until he said those words. My parents, sympathetic as they are, just laughed and laughed and laughed when I told them about the...encounter.

Wonderful people to have around when your brain is about to melt.

However the night went on with events that didn't cause cringing.

I received a call from Niamh Canavan who may or may not have been drinking. More may than may not I have to say. The conversation was pretty much one sided and at some points she was just giggling away to herself because I was able to tell who was calling me. Finally she got to the point and asked me to put her into the blog because, in her exact words

Because everyone thinks it's really funny and if I'm in it I'll be so popular.

So here you are you drunken eejit.

Happy New Year