Maybe it's because I loved it from a very young age and that stuck with me, maybe it's the whole idea of togetherness and unity of mankind and peace and love on Earth if only for one day, maybe it's the food.
It's probably the food.
And what goes hand in hand with food? Drink of course. This is Ireland at Christmas, why not embrace the stereotype? So before you partake in a light beverage or two, let's take the time to educate you on all of the different types of drunk you can be.
Let's get started!
Number One: The Jekyll and Hyde
Drunk you is the complete opposite of the you that dwells in the land of sobriety. Where you are quiet, they are loud, what you want to keep a secret they scream it from the rooftops...repeatedly. This type of drunk has the advantage, however, of being able to distance yourself from all the rampant stupidity you bathed yourself in the night before.
When all of your friends say "James you got so drunk last night you started humping that statue of Buddha"
And I'll say "Dammit drunk James you've done it again. What are we going to do with him, guys?"
Then they look at me and make a call to a man in white with a giant butterfly net.
Number Two: The Weepy
The weight of the world lands squarely on your shoulders. Everything that has ever gone wrong hits you at once and you simply can't hold the tears. That time your dog died. That time you stubbed your toe. When you got dumped. That thing that happened in that country in Africa that time.
Your friends are obliged to hang around you and make sure you're okay.
And oh do they resent you for it.
Number Three: The Hulk
Whether it's because of a few too many mouthfuls of a certain member of the Daniels family or just your general demeanour, when you drink you become an uncontrollable rage monster, fighting anything in your path for no other reason than they might have glanced accidentally in your general direction that one time...maybe
Number Four: The Master Planner
You've had a few. You're chatting with your friends; you're having a good time when suddenly you're making plans to go travelling with two people that you met that day whilst you were trying to decide whether you should have another beer or start on the vodka. You agree to a great many things that you have no sober desire to follow through on
The next morning you decide whether or not you want to just make up an excuse so you don't have to see these people ever ever again.
Ever
Number Five: The Old Friend
Utilising the wonders of 21st century smart phones, keeping in contact with friends has never been easier. Drinking has made it almost impossible to not contact them.
At various points in the night, people whose names you haven't heard or thought about in months are receiving a multitude of misspelled words and phrases in the form of a text message. When this doesn't deliver an instantaneous response, you ring them.
They answer.
Here is where it all goes downhill. Your conversation goes in circles; you forget what you were trying to say, why you rang them or even who you are calling. All you know is that the person on the end of the line is of the utmost importance and you have to see them...like now.
And so you, of unsound mind and equilibrium you find your way to their home, meet their friends, eat their food and go on your merry way.
It is only in the morning you remember that you went there and the friend lets you know what a complete idiot you are. Friendship, ladies and gentlemen
Number Six: The Usain Bolt
To you, modern transportation is a crutch. Evolution has delivered unto you all the athleticism you will ever require and it is vastly superior to any well heated taxi cab when it comes to taking you the 3 miles to your home. You are fast. You are strong. No distance cannot be traversed. And the best part is you get to skip all that boring running in silence stuff because you don't remember doing it. All you know now is that you are home, in the clothes you were wearing the night before and your legs burn like the fires of Mt. Doom.
Despite this pain you do not learn from this and are certain to do it again.
Number Seven: The Pigeon
It's the end of the night. You are alone. Of course you are. You are the hapless and hopeless wandered of the club. Staying in one place too long was boring. But as is the protocol at the end of the night, you begin to make your way home.
You aren't that familiar with your location but you know your
nest is in this city and you have to get there. So you start walking. A sense
of direction sober you just doesn't have kicks in and before you know it you
are waking up swaddled in coats and jackets your friends have put around you
after showing up at their door an hour or two after they came home.
You don't know how you got here or by what means, but all that is
important is that you got there and there is a Spar across the street with a
hot food counter and coffee.
Number Eight: The Gentleman
The English language and your inebriated self are best friends. There
are no monosyllabic words in your repertoire, oh no. You say things like
"Madame" and "libation" and "repertoire". Ladies,
first, doors held open, you paying for the drinks, you are a perfect gentleman.
You just can't use those big words without slurring, you're swaying whilst
holding the door open and the bartender gives you a hesitant look before
serving you another shot of tequila.
But you're still wildly polite.
These are just a few of the many persona's you may adopt whilst partaking
in the festivities. Trust me there are many more. But those you will have to figure
out for yourself.
I don't want to demonise drinking, alcohol is a social lubricant and
gives you some great stories, but always remember, everything in moderation,
drink responsibly yada yada yada and know that at one time or another I have
been almost all of the personalities above.
I'll let you decide which those are.
Oh and don't let my level of (un)fitness dissuade you from believing I
can be the Usain Bolt.
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