A Misguided Christmas Message

It's that time of year again where the children of the world are convinced a fat old man defies half of the laws of physics simply to feed their ultra-consumerist desires. And I love it.

Maybe it's because I loved it from a very young age and that stuck with me, maybe it's the whole idea of togetherness and unity of mankind and peace and love on Earth if only for one day, maybe it's the food.
It's probably the food.

And what goes hand in hand with food? Drink of course. This is Ireland at Christmas, why not embrace the stereotype? So before you partake in a light beverage or two, let's take the time to educate you on all of the different types of drunk you can be.

Let's get started!

Number One: The Jekyll and Hyde

Drunk you is the complete opposite of the you that dwells in the land of sobriety. Where you are quiet, they are loud, what you want to keep a secret they scream it from the rooftops...repeatedly. This type of drunk has the advantage, however, of being able to distance yourself from all the rampant stupidity you bathed yourself in the night before.
When all of your friends say "James you got so drunk last night you started humping that statue of Buddha"
And I'll say "Dammit drunk James you've done it again. What are we going to do with him, guys?"

Then they look at me and make a call to a man in white with a giant butterfly net.

Number Two: The Weepy

The weight of the world lands squarely on your shoulders. Everything that has ever gone wrong hits you at once and you simply can't hold the tears. That time your dog died. That time you stubbed your toe. When you got dumped. That thing that happened in that country in Africa that time.
Your friends are obliged to hang around you and make sure you're okay.

And oh do they resent you for it.

Number Three: The Hulk

Whether it's because of a few too many mouthfuls of  a certain member of the Daniels family or just your general demeanour, when you drink you become an uncontrollable rage monster, fighting anything in your path for no other reason than they might have glanced accidentally in your general direction that one time...maybe

Number Four: The Master Planner

You've had a few. You're chatting with your friends; you're having a good time when suddenly you're making plans to go travelling with two people that you met that day whilst you were trying to decide whether you should have another beer or start on the vodka. You agree to a great many things that you have no sober desire to follow through on
The next morning you decide whether or not you want to just make up an excuse so you don't have to see these people ever ever again.

Ever

Number Five: The Old Friend

Utilising the wonders of 21st century smart phones, keeping in contact with friends has never been easier. Drinking has made it almost impossible to not contact them.
At various points in the night, people whose names you haven't heard or thought about in months are receiving a multitude of misspelled words and phrases in the form of a text message. When this doesn't deliver an instantaneous response, you ring them.
They answer.
Here is where it all goes downhill. Your conversation goes in circles; you forget what you were trying to say, why you rang them or even who you are calling. All you know is that the person on the end of the line is of the utmost importance and you have to see them...like now.

And so you, of unsound mind and equilibrium you find your way to their home, meet their friends, eat their food and go on your merry way.

It is only in the morning you remember that you went there and the friend lets you know what a complete idiot you are. Friendship, ladies and gentlemen

Number Six: The Usain Bolt

To you, modern transportation is a crutch. Evolution has delivered unto you all the athleticism you will ever require and it is vastly superior to any well heated taxi cab when it comes to taking you the 3 miles to your home. You are fast. You are strong. No distance cannot be traversed. And the best part is you get to skip all that boring running in silence stuff because you don't remember doing it. All you know now is that you are home, in the clothes you were wearing the night before and your legs burn like the fires of Mt. Doom.

Despite this pain you do not learn from this and are certain to do it again.

Number Seven: The Pigeon

It's the end of the night. You are alone. Of course you are. You are the hapless and hopeless wandered of the club. Staying in one place too long was boring. But as is the protocol at the end of the night, you begin to make your way home. 

You aren't that familiar with your location but you know your nest is in this city and you have to get there. So you start walking. A sense of direction sober you just doesn't have kicks in and before you know it you are waking up swaddled in coats and jackets your friends have put around you after showing up at their door an hour or two after they came home. 

You don't know how you got here or by what means, but all that is important is that you got there and there is a Spar across the street with a hot food counter and coffee.

Number Eight: The Gentleman

The English language and your inebriated self are best friends. There are no monosyllabic words in your repertoire, oh no. You say things like "Madame" and "libation" and "repertoire". Ladies, first, doors held open, you paying for the drinks, you are a perfect gentleman. You just can't use those big words without slurring, you're swaying whilst holding the door open and the bartender gives you a hesitant look before serving you another shot of tequila. 

But you're still wildly polite.

These are just a few of the many persona's you may adopt whilst partaking in the festivities. Trust me there are many more. But those you will have to figure out for yourself.

I don't want to demonise drinking, alcohol is a social lubricant and gives you some great stories, but always remember, everything in moderation, drink responsibly yada yada yada and know that at one time or another I have been almost all of the personalities above. 

I'll let you decide which those are.

Oh and don't let my level of (un)fitness dissuade you from believing I can be the Usain Bolt.

The Inexplicable Intricate Rules of My Life

From reading about my life and beliefs and whatnot, you may have come to think to yourself:

Wow, I really wish I could be JUST LIKE James.

And who is to say you can't?

However, to live in my shoes you have to understand there are a certain amount of rules, provisos and a couple of quid pro quos.

Rule number the First

Food must never touch. This is tantamount to being happy in my life.

Rule 2: electric boogaloo

You may not drink from the carton, it's gross

Rule C

Try to limit the amount of times you say words that sound like make, bake, take or cake. People will hear you and make fun of you. Relentlessly

But then, as obviously and crucially important these rules are, they do of course come with innumerable contradictions. Take the no food touching rule for instance. I hate food touching. Mash potatoes must never come in contact with the tomato sauce of baked beans for example. This hatred stems from a childhood incidence involving a camping trip, a deceased and rotting sea creature, my 8 year old self and a bet which will not be discussed.
It was then that I felt what can only be described as crippling discomfort whenever I came in contact with something that leaves a smell or residue.

Deep psychological trauma aside, there are many exceptions to the food rule. Sandwiches are foods which must naturally touch and are actually a massive part of my diet. Mince, carrots and potatoes in reality have to be mixed because they were regularly mixed before...the incident. Gravy makes everything better. Need I say more?

For the no drinking from the carton rule there are also contradictions. In fact, in all likelihood there are more cartons that the rule doesn't apply to than does. The rule mainly applies to Milk. Even if I am the only one that is going to drink from it, I have to get a glass or something.
For years I have scolded my sisters, two of which are my elders, for drinking from cartons. In my mind, when they take a swig, some of the saliva is invariably returning to the container, no matter how small. Every little helps as they say, as the ratio of milk to saliva slowly changes and shifts. Think of how much saliva is in that carton that you share with your beloved friends and family. Think of how much old spit you pour over your cereal or put in your tea.

Yeah. Drink from it now.

Orange Juice on the other hand is completely okay for me to drink from the carton. I have no specific reasoning of decade old emotional scarring to explain this. It just is what it is. Who am I to question my own rules? Without rules, society falls apart. And if they are rules for my life, and my life is my personal society, then it would be me to fall apart. And if that were to happen, who would be the token Irishman in a hall of Scots, I ask you?

And finally, the final rule of finality...there aren't really contradictions to this one. It's more of an optional rule I guess. You don't mind saying "cek, mek, bek, tek?"

Then go nuts!

Moral Fibre

In every person there is a sense of right and wrong. Every single person will have different beliefs on what goes with or against their conscience. For some, the height of their personal immorality will be when they are selfish or greedy and that will be all they see as wrong. Others can go as far as committing murder and not feeling a shred of remorse such is the vast difference in their moral beliefs.

For me, I believe that as long as you aren't knowingly hurting someone or affecting their lives in a negative fashion whether it's directly or indirectly then you're grand. It goes against what I believe to be right and wrong to hurt someone intentionally, physically or otherwise, even if I don't like them. The exception is self-defence or if they are having a go at me verbally. Even then I regret some of it later.

Some people don't share my views. Maybe their moral fibre is better at keeping them regular or something, I don't know, but they think their beliefs are more accurate. For instance, today I met a friend of a friend. This person and a few of us were chatting and we were discussing the mad stoners a few floors up from us in this circle of hell they call AKD alternatively life styled members of our esteemed hall and this person said that people who smoked, whether it was cigarettes or drugs, were bad people.

Now everyone from every walk of life is allowed their own opinion and I will always respect that right. I've met opinions I don't agree with but wouldn't argue with people about them because it is their basic human right to have these thoughts.

But that is complete bullshit.

My parents have been on and off smokers for my entire life. They taught me right from wrong and I think they did a rather good job of it. So it stands to reason that they are either good people or exceptional liars and honestly I would be happy with either. I mean being able to convincingly sustain this lie for nearly 20 years, that's something to be admired.

My grandmother has smoked long before I was alive and while this woman is disturbingly racist occasionally reveals herself to have different beliefs to myself she is still a good person.

I have known many smokers in my life and I have never once thought it detracted from them as people, more that I worried occasionally for their health. But they aren't hurting anyone so who am I to judge. I know people will go on about second hand smoke, but it's not like they chain smoke and force me to bathe in their exhalation.

Another thing some people see as immoral is Piracy.
I believe that it is an old and noble art form that should go about Poseidon's garden unabated.

And also digital piracy. People argue that theft is theft. This is irrefutable. Theft is in fact theft. It's a good thing I'm not stealing then when a completely nondescript human, who is most certainly not connected to your devoted writer in any way shape or form and thus this writer is not legally responsible, downloads copies of films or music or e-books or whatever.

This of it this way. Say you had a mug in your hand and someone else saw this mug and thought to themselves "hey that's a pretty cool mug, I want one too". They then proceed to instantaneously duplicate an exact replica of this mug. Both parties still have the mug though only one person paid for it. Is that stealing?

I'm not going to go into arguments involving piracy or smoking. It's just one of the facets of life that interests me, that people can have such different ideas of what is right or wrong. And none are more right or wrong. There are the accepted morals of society and there are personal ideas of right and wrong.

The exceptions are The Westboro Baptist Church, Dictators and children. They are just plain evil.