Get To The Point

Usually the way I write these is I think of a topic, however random, give it a title and let myself just type until I feel is suitable to be posted. Often that just turns out badly and I don't feel happy about the end result.

Today, as I was out last night and up early for a doctors appointment, I am quite tired and as such I do not have the energy to go through the taxing process of thinking of something to write about i.e. pick something that happened to me during the week then make it vague so as to hide anyone involved (most of the time) and then exaggerate it beyond recognition.

Example? What am I? A textbook? I'm too tired to think of one. Plus I'm busy devouring my Easter egg. Oh hey! There's my topic!

Easter Sunday is a time where I get to demonstrate my complete lack of strength. I tried to break the egg with my knuckles. The results were less than satisfactory. My knuckles hurt.

Thus with my strategic mindset I thought to myself

Fight fire with fire

Needless to say I am now homeless and the fire fighters didn't even sugar coat it when the blamed me. The words "never should have been born" were used. Apparently they didn't approve of my idea to crack open a propane canister to make fire to melt the egg open. Theoretically it was an excellent idea.

Well, at least, it was until the walls caught fire. They don't make houses like they used to. Or maybe I'm just getting smarter....yeah it's probably the house thing

These past couple of weeks have been a tad stressful and so it's always nice to see something that cheers you up. i saw this a few months ago and I meant to upload it but never remembered. It just makes me smile.

It's always good to see someone putting such happy, pleasant graffiti on the sides of things. Makes the world seem a little brighter. Of course they could have just been ridiculously idiotic and found it difficult to imagine themselves drawing anything else.

Then again I'm a bit of a cynic.

Privacy

Privacy is a funny thing. Some people get anxious when they don't have it. World leaders get anxious if other countries have it. Teenagers get angry when it is invaded and often go into, what my parents fondly call, a "strop" Of course my parents are bad people.

The other night we were at my friends house and his parents had invited round my parents to watch the McCloskey v Khan fight. Ridiculous result but that's not the point.

My parents, as parents do when they are around other adults, got excited and grasped every chance to take the piss out of me that came their way. They don't get out much so usually I would just let them have their way. But this time was different.

You see, also invited to watch the boxing was a teacher that my friend's dad was very friendly with. My parents decided that this was the time to divulge to basically anyone within earshot that I write a blog. This is the one invasion of privacy I will not allow.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:

But James, you write every stray thought you have down into this blog. Doesn't that mean you don't want any privacy when it comes to the blog?

Good question random idiot.The answer is no, you are wrong. If this teacher found out the existence of this blog he may let it slip to other teachers who may let it slip to other teachers and eventually the wrong teacher will read it. That's not allowed to happen for another 10 years, whenever the world has become enslaved by crickets. They own our conscience, it's only a matter of time before their strength grows.

Of course I'm not just going to bitch about privacy like a whiny emo-teen. But in saying that, I don't have much more to talk about.

So Sweden's a funny place....

No That's not the direction this blog will go.

An electrician by the name of Colin Atkinson faces losing his job for refusing to take down his wee christian-y cross thingymabob from his van dashboard. Now this is just a BIT ridiculous. The cross is about 8 inches and the only reason the company he works for wants it taken down is so that people don't think the company is christian.

So what if they think you're christian? People aren't all super bigoted, most of them won't care. But this shows you the turn things have taken. A few hundred years ago, people were shunned, stoned to death even, if they were found to be anything other than christian. Karmic justice maybe?

But I can see why the company is worried about being associated with any one creed. There's an old saying I'm very fond of. A Person is smart. People are dumb. You can always count on the collective to ruin things for the individuals.

But let the guy have his cross. In a few hundred years I believe that every religion currently existing today will be replaced by he best seller list.
Your far off descendants could be putting a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on the forehead on ash Wednesday. They could be wearing ridiculous glasses instead of those skull caps Jewish people wear.

It's going to be a weird place on Earth in 2000 years.

Hospitals Are Fun

Say what you will about Antrim or people from Antrim, the Antrim Area hospital is a wonderful hospital!

That sounded a lot less gay in my head, but now the word wonderful is sandwiched in my head between the words "simply" and "darling" to form the ultra-homosexual "simply wonderful darling"
One of these days I'll stick to the point of the story throughout the entire post. And on that day the world will end.

Back on track, recently I was at the hospital for a very minor surgery where I was able to flaunt my super-human ability to alleviate the awkwardness that arises between strangers. It could well be my only talent. Well that and doing the bunny twitch with my nose. More fun than it sounds, I swear

In preparation for the surgery I had to submit to #2 on my list of things entitled DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO THESE THINGS UNLESS A BEAR HAS GAINED A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR AND TELLS YOU TO DO THEM OR HE WILL EAT YOUR FACE

#2 on this list was "Never willingly or knowingly go without food" and this rule is only topped by #1 which is "never willingly or knowingly go without or allow people to deprive you of sleep"
The fact that I was being anaesthetised and would therefore sleep for the majority of the day softened the blow.

Upon arriving, the doctor began to ask me a series of routine questions and when he had finished, he asked me which football team I supported. This left me in a bit of a bind. You see, I'm not exactly the sportiest person in the world. No, no it's true! I enjoy playing football but I really, REALLY suck at it. It's kind of funny how bad I am. And as for watching it on TV...well there's usually something better on. If not, there's always that little button labelled standby on the remote which saves me from watching it.

So I answered him with a team I haven't bothered supporting since I was about 12, Liverpool.

Rookie mistake.

For the rest of the day I had to pretend I gave a crap about professional, televised sports. And at the time, all I could think of was

Now, now, don't anger the doctor who makes sure you are unconscious while they cut you open.

Sound advice from the surprisingly small common sense section of my brain

And then they did this to me

BLEAGH. They put a tube inside a vein!!!

That is disgusting. Simply disgusting. Retchable and other non-real words. What made it worse was there was a student doctor there who, whenever Sports Doctor told us he was about to put in the IV, she said, with too much glee in her eyes for my liking:

Can I watch?

I couldn't contain myself. She sounded like one of my sisters. Can I watch? I'm about to have my veins violated so that I can be cut open with a big sharp scary knife, and you're asking the doctor if you can watch...she could have at least brought me some food!

But getting the IV pulled out is the worst!! I won't bore you with the details, but there's blood. Too much blood for me.

But after the surgery I wake up and the nurse comes over. She doesn't ask "How are you feeling", but rather she says "About time. Your mother's been on the phone and she was just telling us how long you sleep"

Oh yeah. I'm sure the drugs you pumped directly to my veins had nothing to do with it. Cheeky little bitc-

*cough*

Eventually, another doctor came over to see how I was doing. Now being the typical smart-ass that I am, I had to answer the questions in a somewhat humorous way. For example, a doctor with accented English came over and said

How are you feeling?

To which I had to reply

I'm not too bad, what about yourself?

That threw him a little. Hey, they cut me open; I get to have a little fun.

Of course maybe I was taking it too far whenever the doctor asked if I had any questions and I asked, without thinking of what I was saying:

How many times a day would you get the words "What's up doc?"

I thought it was hilarious! I still do in fact.

And that was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week. It's a little sad isn't it?

But it's all OK because the hospital gave me super-mega strength pain killers which I suspect could knock out an elephant, so that should keep me amused.

I Am Soooo Sorry!

First of all I would like to apologise for the atrocious post that went up on Sunday evening. I don't know what I was thinking. You probably do seeing as it was an insight to the inner workings of my head but you know what I mean.
I guess I sort of lost the plot a little bit. Well a lot. Altogether really.

If I'm honest, it's not the first time it's happened. No really. As you have experienced first hand, I am not always calm and collected and in full control of my imagination. It's the worst whenever I'm sick.

Once I had a temperature and so I spent the night tossing and turning, flitting in and out of sleep, and in those moments of consciousness I was completely certain that my dream was real. My dream was that I had been aiding the characters from That 70's Show to create a nuclear missile outside my house. That's right. I have been convinced that myself and the cast of a popular sitcom were terrorists.

But I try to be normal, I swear! I put my trousers on two legs at a time just like everyone else. Unless it's a skirt. But let's not get into what I do at the weekend.

So the gist of things here is that the last post was too random for my own liking. Basically I forgot I had a post to write and rushed it. Whoops!

So yeah....

Sorry!

My Memory

Now, reader(s), my head, as I have told you, is a special place with the great political mind of Bugs Bunny as the leader and where it is mandatory to have the mannerisms of Elmer Fudd. This wonderful place is made up of many different sections with many abnormal tasks to carry out.

One section, The Imagination centre, is staffed by many long-legged but tiny gerbils. The gerbil's in my head have grown stronger by the day ever since I fell out of a stationary car. They have, in fact, grown so strong that it has led to lapses in my consciousness where I spend time taking no notice of my surroundings. This, Ladies and Gentlemen is where I figure out what I will write about in my Blog.

Another section is the Conscious Thought complex. As you can imagine is.....wel mildly under-staffed. I think I should move on. For my sake. You understand.

The Negative Organisation in my brain is a bad place. The organisation has many different branches which include Worrying, Meanliness and Lazyness. After a while working in the Conscious thought complex many of the staff moved due to lack of air-conditioning and the fact that The Laziness section in The Negative Organisation was giving it's employees a dental plan. Wouldn't you work there?

Then, of course, the Memory Building. Lazy little-
ANYway those workers are not understaffed but have been, for seventeen years, operating a strike. They refuse to allow me to retain too much information. It's all because I sleep to much. But it's not my fault! I do it because they burnt all the filing cabinets. Although maybe they did that because I started eating glue but they have now eliminated much of childhood memories...Bastards.

Maybe I should replace the gerbils with actual brain cells.

But then of course its that radical thinking that began the Brain Civil war of 1998. Many good brain cells died in the 5 years it went on before the other major organs in my body banded together to force a ceasefire.




Wait, What the hell have I been saying?