OK I Get It...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I know. My attempt at serious news blogs suck.
But there's no need to come up to me and tell me how disappointed you are. You know who you are and as such you should be ashamed of yourself.

That's not to say I want you to stop reading. Quite the contrary. I want your views. You see this month I didn't really care about the amount of views I was going to get. Mainly because, essentially, I have just started this whole blog thing. So when people found out about it, it was a whole

People still blog? And I know someone who has a blog? Weeeeeird

situation and people came to have a look. The views section rose for a bit. But as the novelty slowly wore off I got less and less views. So this month I was thinking

Meh, who cares how many people see it.

I CARE!!!!
And so I'm posting a pointless posty thingy in order to get just the last 29 views I need to reach 300 for this month. And I need them within the next two hours. Can you do that for me. Well obviously if you're already here and ready it. Which makes this whole situation a little pointless...





I like Coca-Cola....

News Stories - Attempt Number 1

The EU has come to the idea that prisoners in the UK not being allowed to vote goes against their human rights. My feelings on that?

Awww boohoo is the little murderer/rapist going to cry?

I mean, come on. You did bad things and now you're complaining that you don't get the perks of when you don't do bad things? This is just me, but I feel that if you do something bad enough to be put in jail for a considerable amount of time, you don't really have many human rights. You certainly don't get to vote.

The only other news story I can find that I have anything to say about is Colonel Gadaffi. For those of you who don't know, Gadaffi is the president (dictator) of Libya which for some time now has been going through a revolution in an attempt to overthrow Gadaffi.

A recent news story, courtesy of sky news, shows that "Libyan revolutionaries in Benghazi claim to have rescued seven prisoners that had been buried alive"

That says it all really. The man with the stupid name has to go/die/be used as a guinea pig for experimental science. I mean how pleasing can it really be to run a country? So pleasing that you practically declare war on your own country just to keep power? I wonder is he aware that if he alienates everyone in Libya he will not have anyone to rule over and they will eventually get rid of him.

I feel like the stupid blond girl from Family guy that goes out with Brian for a while when I say that somebody should definitely stop him.


The news is always so depressing. And that is why people take funny pictures of animals, to make news seem less negative.
Of course this (below) is always hilarious. Mainly because I'm not sure how the zebra achieved this:

The mind! It is blown!

I Got a Problem!

Why is it that when people see somebody creepy in horror films or shows, they don't say:

He could be waiting for me out in the alley. I think I will stay in this well lit, crowded room in the safety of my friends, and leave later with a group of people. Better safe than sorry. You know, safety in numbers and all that.

Not once has that thought process been discovered in the media. The person stands up immediately and says they have to go. Guess what the do next

What do they do next, James?

Oh no, you have to guess.

Do they call a taxi and have it come to the extreme front door in a well lit street?

Nope

Do they get immediately into their car which they have cleverly parked next to the entrance?

Getting colder

....They find the nearest dark alley where they have obviously parked their car, fumble with the keys and stop every time they hear a noise. It turns out to be a cat, they laugh and turn back to their car and get killed. That's what happens isn't it?

Of course that's what happens. Apparently it would be ridiculous otherwise.

And another thing. Have any of you seen that episode of Scrubs where some girl collapses and starts hearing and seeing things as a musical?

God I hate musicals

Anyway, what bothers me about that episode the most is the fact that her problem couldn't possibly happen. No duh, right?
But I mean come on. Her doctors are clearly not speaking in rhymes and yet her brain quickly inputs rhyming words. That requires a lot of brainpower! Plus she must have intricate knowledge of medical procedures and terminology, because JD and Turk start singing about what medical problems could be discovered through looking at a stool sample because, naturally:

Everything comes down to poo, from the top of your head to the sole of your shoe

And I know your thinking:

James don't be such an ass, its a sitcom for God sake

Well shut up!

Ha! Bet you thought I'd have a wise-ass comment to throw back at you. But no. Sadly I have nothing because I know better than anyone I am a pedantic little a-hole.

Also I saw this in the supermarket and it made me giggle my 9 year old heart out

Don't ask me why.

Birthdays

Birthdays. Important to some, something to be glanced over by others. But a birthday is not something that is important to the birthday-ee but to EVERY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.

It's true. Now most people enjoy their birthday. Why wouldn't they? For one day you are allowed to do whatever you like (within reason), everyone is nice to you (well that depends how old you are. The word's birthday beatings spring to mind) and in my house we get to choose what we eat that night for dinner.

But these past couple of years birthdays have gotten....stranger.

As I have told you before I spent my 17th birthday with my friends in my house playing hide and seek. I regret NOTHING.
But I have never been a huge fan of my birthday. The awkward moment when you react to the present and, even when I always enjoy the present, I have to figure out a nice balance between "Yes I really like your gift" and "I think I might wet myself with happiness"

I prefer Christmas to be honest. I like giving presents, but I dislike receiving them.
I am such a Saint! Never forget that.

Recently my sister Orla came home for an interview with a university and with she brought my birthday present. My birthday is on the 18th on January and she came home on Thursday and wrapped the present in front of me. But that's not all. After successfully guessing the contents of the wrapped package, I was shocked to see the smiling faces of Kate Middleton and Prince William on a postcard taped to the front of the Gavin and Stacey box set.

The Gavin and Stacey box set, I was happy about. The postcard? I'm still not sure how I felt about that. I have nothing against the royal family but nor do I have any affiliation with them.

Whilst I was suitably conflicted, Orla produced two more postcards. One which had, in her words, "Phil and Lizzie, chillin' " and another with Prince Harry on the front which she playfully described as her future husband......yeah.....


Kricky Donnelly's  birthday also made me laugh. Not only because he tried to claim the go-karting I arranged was for him (his birthday is 2 days after mine and so he felt that, as his was the most recent, it was his birthday. Meh I won anyway so it doesn't matter) but because I was the first to say happy birthday to him.

Right, I get that this isn't an achievement. But you have to understand that this means everything to a friend of mine. Caoimhe McManus lives to be the first person to say happy person to somebody. So much so, that she waits till midnight and texts them a birthday message. We argued for a bit when I tried to tell her that she wasn't first to wish me a happy birthday, but third. It's not true, she was in fact first, but her reactions crack me up to no end.

On the night on Kricky's birthday, I texted him asking him if he wanted to mess with Caoimhe's head. Kricky, being Kricky, jumped at the chance. We planned that he would say that I said happy birthday before her.
So there I was, stewing in my own mischief....what?
And I was reading my book. I put down the book and saw it was 23:59 and I'm like:

Why the fudge not?

So I really did text him first.

Caoimhe was NOT happy. Kricky and I were.

I think this invalidates my "saint" comment earlier.

Anyway, to finish I thought I'd wish a happy birthday to you all. Doubly so Aaron "MoonBeam" Carey as it is his actually birthday tomorrow.

Because, yeno, what's a birthday without a monkey?

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...Yeah OK So I'm Just Riffing

Blogging has become a large part of my life now. And with good reason. Seeing as it is a (much) less formal take on what I would like to pursue as a future career. And because of this, I've been keeping my eyes open for anything strange, weird, wonderful or boring that I can exaggerate so far past it's point of origin, it is basically a lie.
For instance. You know that saying "Like a hot knife through butter" ?

It's crap

Seriously.

I was making toast after a hard day restraining myself from yelling at teachers and I had to get butter from the fridge. The stuff was like a brick. I HATE rock hard butter. It destroys toast. Literally. The stuff won't spread so you're left with a veritable bomb site of wheat and flour.
It's doubly annoying because by the time you've given up with elegance and just started tossing butter at the toast, you don't even enjoy eating it because it's now lukewarm.
And as everybody knows, there is a race to get everything out and ready so you can butter the toast as fast as possible so the butter melts and the toast is still hot. It's true. Everyone does it

Yes you do.

YES you do!

Don't lie to me. I know you. I can tell when you're lying....

Anyway, to counteract the rock solid butter I thought (with generous amounts of ingenuity) I should run the knife under boiling water and then butter my toast.
Since I started boiling my knives...not a damn thing changed.

Toast destroyed, butter still cold, family murdered, I'm arrested, I escape, befriend a wise-cracking owl only to be led astray into the darkness of the forest wear I'm killed by a bear on the command of the terrifying, ruthless, evil photocopier woman...WILMA!!!
Or something along those lines anyway.

Seriously though, Wilma? Scares the crap out of everyone. Teachers included. She refuses to photocopy things for people. And yet she is the photo copy woman. Interesting career path she chose.

Due to the fact that I want to be a journalist I feel I should report the news now and again.
Maybe just local news. Really local news. News about the school.

Rome trip for next year? Cancelled. What the actual bejeesus? That was maybe the only thing keeping me from a severe mental breakdown. According to my history teacher, Mrs Johnston, one of the teachers organising the trip, the board felt that "...due to the current economic climate, it is too costly to pay for the staff insurance"

I feel robbed. Well and truly this frustrates me.

I guess I'll just have to organise my own holiday with friends for next year



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And You Thought You had my Personality Pegged

By now you may or may not have realised that I am a weird dude. In my time here as a blogger (AKA points out things you already know from a source you don't want to get it from) I have talked about my dream that the Disney Channel would be brought to ruin, that I hug random strangers (not really though), showed you several odd photographs of animals (What I do with my time, Ladies and Gentlemen) and gave the proposal that Nick Clegg raising tuition fees could have possibly been brought about by bandit raccoons. Clearly I am not the most mentally.....sound person you're ever going to meet.

However recently, I discovered that even my dreams at night are abnormal.
The way for me to have the best dreams is to be really tired and sleep for around 12 or 13 hours. Or if I have the flu-MAN flu. Because I'm a MAN.

What do I mean by abnormal? Do I exhibit personalities in my dream world that are not congruent with my personality in real life?
You could say that. You could also say I dreamt I was the Incredible Hulk...as a politician....in an Armani suit.

You heard me.

But that's not all. Inside a room in my school (so the hulk debates politics in school what of it?) everything began to rumble. So running outside it turns out my friend Michael Goldring's family had got me a giant robot to smash because the Hulk likes to smash things.
What nice people right?

After smashing the robot I, for reasons unknown, began to create broomsticks upon which I could fly.
Weird as that sounds, it's a big leap for me. I'm serious. In all of my dreams, I have never been able to fly before. I was a little birdy thing before. Couldn't fly. Pterodactyl. Couldn't fly. Friggen superman couldn't even fly. If was pathetically funny because he was just sort of hopping up and down, clawing at the air.


Yeah....


The next night of dreams was a lot weirder and more sinister.
My entire year at school was at the cinema and, on by one, they began to be replaced with identical copies of themselves. After this was discovered there was panic and terror and we were trying to hide from the evil, the despicable...BEN JOHNSTON!!!!
That's right folks. My friend Ben Johnston was the leader of the impostors. Granted he himself was not Ben but an impostor, but still.
After going round...wherever the hell I was. I think it was either Queens university or West Minister Abbey. Anyway. Unimportant. And this is dragging on. The impostors where invincible!!
I tried (prepare for awkward psychosis moment) stabbing one of them with a Biro. No reaction. Worst part about this is that all the impostors are people from my year.....No I'm not going to say who I stabbed!


Straying from things that make me sound like I should be have my mental stability checked, My friend  Chris Logan had a brilliant idea. You see it was his birthday a few days ago and so he received from another friend, not a card, not a present, not a hug, but a toy from McDonald's.
More specifically, it was a three inch tall "Crimson Chin" from Fairly Odd Parents AKA the best cartoon on TV.
Chris' idea was that we should take pictures of the Chin in various poses and with different people. This is the outcome

The Crimson munChin (eh? See what I did there?)

Brushing Up on his R.E.

My Personal Favourite: The speck still seems more intimidating than the 6 foot 4 dude next to him

Brilliant idea Chris.

The Chin is forever immortalised in the minds of both of my regular readers

As usual Like the blog, tell me what you thought in the comment section and Follow me for updates on when I post a new one and I'll see you next sunday.