This list of crap has got to go!

For a while I had a list of things that amused me and I had intended to put them in the blog. But due to those posts being shit and no fun in my eyes, I have decided to do one last mentions parade using it. These people (kind of) all deserve to be on this list. It has nothing to do with their begging me. So without further ado (what does that word even mean?) here they are.

Starting this evening in chronological (captain dictionary right here) order we have Alix Scullion sporting a near car accident. Having recently passed her driving test, Alix decided to drive her little sister and a friend around town. I had been in town as well and as I was walking home, I passed the Tower centre car park and spotted her driving. Needless to say, this dangerous sight stopped me in my tracks. Alix beaming like a maniac waved and all I could say was "DANGEROUS". She said something rude to me and I walked on. As it turned out she hadn't paid for a ticket and caused a traffic jam inside the car park and had to have her sister run out and pay. I'm not entirely sure, but I think she told me NOT to put this in....whoops

Moving onto acts of dopiness, we have Aideen Brogan with her misguided idea that Milan was in Spain. Aideen does A-level geography. I don't think I need to say anything more. You guys fill in the blanks.
For those of you who don't know (shame) Milan is in Italy and is the capital of the region Lombardy. Wikipedia Win!

The play was filled with acts of stupidity left, right and centre but the best was when Niall Lynch was given a microphone for the play. After his scene, on an actual performance night, he came back stage to where we were all sitting/ lying down on the scenery lift. I was lying down and he told me to shift which I did. As I moved he said

Jimmy Fitzy, you've a sweet ass

This was heard, however quietly, over the speakers by the director of the play who went crazy at him. The hilarity of the situation was hilarious.

Next on the list is Michael O'Mullan. Now, Michael is, in general, is conscientious about his hair. But this really took the cake. I walked up to the changing rooms during the play to find Michael doing the other Russian soldiers hair. We called them the SS meaning the soldiers salon. I was quite proud of the name. The pride was smothered by my frustration as 6 of them held me down as Michael attempted to do my hair. He may have got the gel in, but it wasn't my sexuality that was brought into question.

This one has to be the strangest. Whilst in the play, I met someone called Rachel Davis who kept telling me to

Get out your chest

It wasn't appropriate, apparently, for me to say the same to her. I'm sensing a bit of a double standard.
There was a reason for her to say this but I'm not going to share it with the Internet. Mainly because, well, that's just creepy

Finally we come to the people who wanted in the blog and tried to make up reasons as to why they should be in.

Katherine Neeson was in the changing rooms during one of the breaks between scenes and she told us she was hungry. She came up with the idea that they could throw a rope with a hook out the window and order a Chinese. She figured that the delivery guy could hook the food bag and we hoist it up. Whether or not we would throw down money is debatable

This person is unique in that there is nothing to write about them. Aoidin Rafferty wanted to be in the blog quite a lot at the time. I asked her to come up with a suitable excuse. Her lack of awesomeness has led to her earning a spot in our prestigious (aye right) ranks.

Louis Sisk earned a place of infamy here after he tried to steal my coke during the break one rehearsal day. There I was, just minding my own business when -boom- a hand sneaks out and makes a grab for the can in my hand. Needless to say, I wouldn't let go even though I would be the only one that would stand to lose something in this confrontation if it spilled. But I won in the end. Now I know what you're thinking (actually i don't but this needs to be cleared up)

James, why don't you just share your coke. It's the right thing to do

Screw that. That coke was mine! In the words or Joey Tribbiani "JAMES DOESN'T SHARE FOOD"
A few weeks later, he asked me to buy him a drink at a pub quiz. Nice try mate. I'm on to you.


Well that's me. I'm done. That stupid list is crumpled and in the bin. Now you can enjoy unplanned blog posts....I'm sorry

Oh my god. He's talking about real life events?

So Nick Clegg (one of maybe three many, many existing politicians I could name) said before he was...elected or something (I don't really follow politics) was that he wasn't going to raise tuition fees if he was...elected or something.
Now that he is in place as Deputy Prime Minister (AKA David Cameron's bitch errand boy) he has passed the bill or whatever it is for higher tuition fees

SOMEbody doesn't want re-elected. As usual the first people to bitch about this are the facebookers. Already I've seen 3 or 4 groups asking, is slightly more colourful terms, for Clegg's head on a stick.

As a tight-fisted so and so, I can see why people are annoyed. With the cap on fees raised to £9,000 it now rivals the American college fees which have been around $18,000 for a while now and people are going to have to start saving from the cradle. And I understand why people have reacted so strongly.
It is a lot of money.

However there is a good reason for him doing this. I'm certain he didn't roll out of bed pull out a book entitled "Piss off your country in one easy step - for idiots", stroke his evil moustache and laugh maniacally. Now to be fair, I don't actually know what the reasoning is, mainly because I don't have the patience to sit down and watch middle-aged men argue whilst their wives sit behind them bored as all get out, hoping for the day the public drives their husband from their city so she doesn't have to watch him talk anymore

Although I could probably make some up.

1. Obvious one being, we're are in a recession (although statistically speaking we pulled out of it just barely)
2. Raccoon bandits made him do it
3. Universities needed better quality stuff
4. Better quality education
5. Evil ninjas made him do it

But the government isn't evil. They have a duty to do what they think is best for us, so they have to have a maternal attitude toward us.

Of course where's the fun in acceptance.

Lynch the idiot!

Meeting somebody for the first time. What the hell do you do?

So a week or two ago I went to the continental market in Belfast (which is amazing by the way. You have to go and try the dutch pancakes. And i don't want any of you going "eww market food? how unhygienic" Shut up and enjoy those glorious pancakes) and I met somebody there I knew. Well I say met, she snuck up behind me and said "It's James!"

Emily King and this guy she was with, I think his name was Sam, walked up to me and we had a wee chat and then parted ways. That's not the bit that bugged me. When Emily introduced me to Sam I shook his hand.

This is not something I am in the habit of doing. It's a very grown up thing to do. I'm not very grown up at all. Not even a little. And that little act of maturity has plagued my thoughts ever since. But what am I supposed to do otherwise. I'm a hugger kind of guy but you can't hug random strangers. I've tried. They scream. Usually the word rape. They yell, the police come, I explain, we laugh, they give me an criminal record, it's all good. So yeah it'd be weird if I hugged someone I hadn't met before.

However it makes the situation awkward if all you do is say "Hi" and wave when he's standing 4 and a half feet away (oh yes, I measured. Just kidding. If you believed that then you're weird). And so I went for a handshake.



It was also awkward. As I'm not in the habit of hand-shaking, I didn't know how hard to squeeze. Too tight and I'd seem like an ass, but too softly and it'd be creepy.  Plus there was the whole do we shake up-and-down like in the cartoons or do we just grasp hands for a millisecond then part.

Oh the complexities that rule my life

Only occured to me last night.

There is no embarrassment greater than having a person tell people about your blog over a microphone at a quiz. It doesn't matter that I knew 85% of the people there personally. The point still stands. Catherine O'Callaghan  the so-called quiz master of the pub quiz I attended last night for "Friends for Romania"
That's the second charity thing I've went to. I bet I sound like a saint, right? Always remember how saintly I am right now when you see me refusing to give a friend 30p for a drink because there is a jug of free water not 20 steps away. Now I know what you're thinking

James, how could you refuse a friend such a small amount of money.

Well the answer is simple. They say friends are priceless. That therefore means you cannot exchange them for currency and are, as a result, worthless. 30p versus worthless people?

Wow I go way of track sometimes, don't I?

Anyway. The pub quiz was really good fun. And what's more, we came second. I had a bet with my friend, Caoimhe mcManus that I would do better in the quiz than her. Frustratingly, we drew second. Well played, Karma. It was pretty surprising seeing as she thought the swiss guard guarded swiss cheese (pretend you knew the real answer to that. I'll save you the brain power and tell you they guard the Pope)

First place went to Kristian Donnely's team. He won four or five advent calenders for his team which were promptly devoured by the neighbouring teams, one of which being Caoimhe's team. Totally unfair! And all I got was a bottle of wine. I don't even drink!

Ah well. Shit happens I suppose. And if that was all, I can count myself lucky. Speaking of luck my pizza has arrived. Dominos is the greatest pizza ever. Anybody who claims otherwise had 6 toes per foot

Harry Potter - Is the hype deserved?

In a word - No. It isn't
However I have to concede that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1 was a success in the cinema. Keeping well to the book (for the most part) leaving out things that only the hardened HP fans will notice. Things like a change in dialogue, however slight, were pointed out by my friend David O'Neil. Now to be fair I did my share of pointing out flaws

Example. What is stopping Voldemort from killing Harry? Harry's wand/magical connection the two share. A decent plot device to be sure. But what is preventing Voldemort from, say, running over him in a car, lifting him up in the air using a broomstick and dropping him from a great height or even shooting the angsty magical teen right in the face? (OK I'll give you, the gun thing, probably wouldn't work. They would probably walk around with a magical shield or something) Does Voldemort go through any of these simple methods and think "that could work" to himself? No. He does not.

Instead, he decides that he is going to search for a magical (more so than the others) wand from a wizarding child's fairy tale. This wand was supposedly carved by Death himself. Now as Harry Potter is a fantasy book, this is perfectly acceptable. However, Voldemort's thought process, is not.

But moving on from Voldemort's lack of logic or basic strategy and moving on to the man himself. The protagonist who, with no hint of a joke, seriously should have gone to specsavers. Harry finds, after a series of events, a legendary sword capable of destroying bits of Voldemort's soul. It has some how wound up at the bottom of a pond that has frozen over and so Harry decides the best course of action is to strip down and face probable pneumonia and possible hypothermia by diving in to get it.

Now seeing as the main tool he has at his disposal is magic, you would think he would use the wand to heat up the water or at the very least melt the ice so he doesn't get trapped underneath. But what happens? The necklace decides to try to kill him and drags him both away from the sword and away from the single hole he made in the ice....Nice move there Harry.

But still. Good movie. The book was better, but that's almost always the case. Anyway. Best characters have to be Dobby, Ron and George. Dobby because of the quote

Dobby wasn't trying to kill. Only maim, or seriously injure.

Dobby you were awesome. George for watching Ginny and Harry kissing in the kitchen with something in his ear and just saying "Good morning" And Ron, simply for being funny without trying to much, and for being the favourite out of the trio.

So the film leaves you sad, because of the ending, which I won't spoil, but excited for the next (and final) installment. Now as a person who doesn't enjoy Harry Potter, books or movies, as much as everyone else seems too, trust me when I say, This film is worth seeing. The dialogue wasn't as cheesy as it's been, (e.g "we have something Voldemort doesn't...something worth fighting for") the effects were pretty good, the story was good and it was comical at times.

It also left me with an insatiable desire to read the books again. Only problem is my sister Orla has taken then ALL to Glasgow with her. Damn her!

It's that time of the year again

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow

Just kidding. If the snow was a person I would punch it for being so cold. Although, if it was a person I'm sure I could reason with it. Of course if it were a person and I could reason with it, I would ask it a series of questions. I would find the cosmological stance on Pirates vs Ninjas (Ninjas FTW). I would ask it if it got bored sometimes and is that why it decides to snow in march and keep a comedian I wanted to go see in a different country so I have to wait a year to go see him. Then I would punch the snow. Then I would ask does it feel pressured by the songs written about it eg Let it snow, Winter wonderland and finally whether it likes having Jon Snow have the same name as it. I mean that would link the snow with the whole Poppy argument.

For those of you who don't know, Jon Snow is a News presenter for channel 4 and when it comes around to the time where all the people on the primary terrestrial TV channels (BBC, ITV, Channel 4, FIVE) all wear Poppies in commemoration of the Soldiers killed in action, initially in the First World War but now it goes for all the soldiers killed in all wars. Anyway, Jon Snow refuses to wear these Poppies. This may sound pretty negative of him but he is preserving his right to not wear it. Many of the High-Ups on those channels tell their employees to wear the Poppies but Jon Snow refuses to let them force him. In that respect he's right. He shouldn't be forced to wear them. However I don't see any reason not to wear them. They aren't hurting anyone and I like the idea of all the people who risked their lives for a caused they believed in with everything they had. So I respect Jon Snow for not bowing to conformity. But I don't agree with him.

Anyway back to the initial point of this post. It was about my dislike of snow and what I would do if it were a person. Of course if it were a person it wouldn't be snow and we wouldn't be having this discussion. We would probably be talking about.....cheese...or how much I want a cup of tea right now

*rushes off to make a cup of tea*
...
.....
.......
.........
aaaaaaAAAAnd im back.
Friggen snow. Forcing me to wear two pairs of socks everyday. Do you have any idea how badly I am entering a sock shortage. It's awful! Everything gets wet and the roads are dangerous. Hell the school is dangerous. Projectiles of icy white death flying through the air at speeds I don't care to estimate, people falling down, koala bears mugging pensioners. Snow is evil.

However there are some fun things that come from snow. Michael Goldring, Jordan Duffy, Ben Johnston and Padraig Conlon had stayed after school to do work. And after a bit we just went outside to the hill where they had stashed Caution Wet Floor signs in the trees and they started sliding down the hill on them. I caught a lot of it on video.

And so something I enjoyed came out of snow. Of course a wee day off school because of the snow  wouldn't go unenjoyed. I went down that hill one time and I wound up soaked with a wedgie....

They say you gotta love the snow.

Do you?

Do you really?

Post before post before last...Part 2?

Here it is. It's late and shit but its here and I'm done with it

OK so i suppose i should amend that last post' ending. I don't hate kids. Well that is to say, i don't hate all kids. Just those ones that make me want to gouge out their eyes. Like this one kid in the play. We'll call him Ricky Gervais because, well, he looks like Ricky Gervais. Except fatter...and more annoying...and obnoxious...and- well i could go on. But for times sake i won't. For now at least. 
Douchebag's only in 3rd year and he thinks he's the man. Arrogant beyond what i thought the human mind could achieve. There's a song we have about a friend of mine, Ryan McFadden, that goes:

The Hooch, The Hooch, The Hooch is on Fire!

We call him the Hooch because, as those of you who have watched Scrubs will know, Hooch is crazy. Ricky- ah to hell with it- Luke O'Rawe constantly sang that over and over again. He killed it. I yelled at him, he acted the hard lad which was about as convincing as an elephant in a dog suit. And he did this thing where he would walk up to people and think he was immediately part of their conversation. Idiot.

Anyway, I promised some people in the real world that i would do a happy/positive take on the events of weeks past. So here we go. Don't blame me if it isn't so much positive as neutral. I'm sleepy and, as I've said before, if I'm sleepy i am not happy.

So even though it was a while ago there are still a few things that stick out in my mind about rehearsals last week. We stayed in from 9 till 9 and we ordered pizza from domino's (The joys of having a friend who works there with a 50% discount) and whilst i was eating Padraig Conlon pointed out to me that, after two slices had been eaten, i was now devouring a pizza tribute to pacman
PHOTO TIME!!!

It looks like he's crying pineapple. Rest assured no pacmen were injured in the consumption of that meal...but I'm sure they would be delicious. Tastier than i thought a video game character would be. I wonder how Donkey Kong tastes

Moving on from eating illegal/fictitious meat. Although still in the line of fictitious animals, we discovered the Awkward Animal Kingdom. Okay, so, i say "discovered" but in reality i mean " made animal shapes and claimed they alleviated awkwardness. Which is ridiculous. You ever tried standing in a room with a moose and making a joke about its nose or antlers? Awkwaaaaard.
Most of you will have encountered Awkward Turtle and maybe Awkward Squid. But we came up with Awkward Giraffe, Awkward Moose and my personal favourite (even though it isn't an animal) Awkward Rock. Turns out there's a group for awkward rock on Facebook. Obviously i joined....not much more to that story is there.

Mr Laverty, one of the teachers who organised the play, made -wait for it...



... a Your Ma joke!!! Weirdest experience in the world, I'll tell you that much.
Nothing could trump a teacher making a mother joke, right? Right? WRONG. We've been practising for the play in the braid arts centre and there's a little cafe there that we spend our lunch time at. You often see typo's on some shops merchandise, maybe the slipped finger hitting the key next to the intended on their good old QWERTY. But i bet you haven't seen this slip before:
Photo Time 2: Revenge of the pixels



 Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, The Steamed MILF.
I shit you not, that was real. And printed/laminated for the world (well okay the town) to see. Credit goes to Michael Goldring for noticing this first and pointing it out to me.

What i wonder is....how? I mean in this description of a Cafe Mocha how did they manage to hit "F" instead of "K". Okay so i suppose they look a little similar but they are one like opposite ends of the keyboard. I'm going to have to label that one. But is it a Typing fail or a Win? Only you decide...I'm just kidding. You have no say in the matter. TYPING FAIL!!