Planes, Trains and Automobiles - Three Things I Would Use to Escape Children

Pets you grow

Demons of the loin

A nine month infection that you look after for 18 years and subsequent Christmases and Birthdays

Children

All of the sentences you have just read are accurate. It may not surprise you to read that I do not like children. I know right? I come across as so warm and nurturing here that you probably figured I'd make a wonderful father. Any child would be lucky to be reared by me.
But its true. And so today I'm here to bring you the pros and cons of children. Not the pros and cons of HAVING kids. No no. Just their general impact on society and its people. So here we go.

I'll start with the cons because, well, they're just easier.

Cons

Kids are dumb

All kids. Without exception. Some kids may be more or less dumb than their other demonic brethren, but stupid they remain.
When I was a child, a shy, prone to tears, 4 year old my primary 1 teacher attempted to teach us basic evolutionary theory. This was a catholic school so if I had been there twenty years earlier and she tried to pull this stunt there would have been hell to pay.
I'm talking fire and brimstone medieval retribution involving various types of wooden imprisonment and flogging.

Anyway, her exact words were that we had all been monkeys. I asked her if I had been a monkey. She told me yes. The connections I made in my brain between my feeble logic centre and my teachers well meaning words were such that I believed I had been born millions of years ago, lived the life of a monkey with my monkey family and my monkey friends and went to monkey school and died a monkey death.

Then I was reborn without fur to live my life again. Essentially my catholic teacher in a catholic school had told a catholic child raised in a catholic family that reincarnation was true.

The ideals and principles of children are like a bar of soap lying on the floor. One slight nudge and they will go flying from religion to religion and the next thing you know they are a crack dealing serial killer who take their orders from an imaginary talking dragon named Herbert.

So yeah, don't drop the soap.

Kids are disgusting

Having no understanding of basic hygiene and societal standards of behaviour, children will let loose any and every bodily fluid they have at their disposal at any given time. It's gross and I hate it and them.

Kids are loud

This one is fairly self-explanatory. They can't control their volume and they always have something to say. Not words, oh no. That would make it too easy for us to come to a conclusion as to what they want and resolve it. They must have us know that "ahhhhh" and "buhh!" and "*high pitched wailing noise*"
Once I was walking through the town, listening to music with my earphones as I often do, and I came across a mother with two children. One was still a baby and the other looked to be about 2 or 3.

And both their faces were bright red from screaming and wailing about their vague unhappiness and displeasure with their current situations and/or surroundings. It was then a massive grin came across my face like some kind of sociopath and I thanked the great gods Sennheiser for the wire connecting my ears and my phone.

Because I couldn't hear a damn thing.
That kind of euphoria only comes around a few times in a lifetime, like when you get your first car or when you start eating your Christmas dinner or, ironically, when your first child is born.

Pros

Kids are cute

I suppose sometimes they are aesthetically pleasing. Evolutionary speaking, my brain is hardwired in at least a small way to like kids and to protect them and stuff. Stupid brain.

Stereotypes 2: Electric Boogaloo

So a while ago I wrote about all these different stereotypes and how they were complete crap and stuff and things and words. Im lazy and uncreative and thus I will be making a repeat performance.

Im not really lazy and uncreative. Im really very creative.

Women. The fairer sex. The supposed brains of the human organisation. Stereotyped as the cleaned half, the nagger and all round more hygienic. In my short time at university I have determined that this is categorically, and with exception, complete bull. Don't you just love hyperboles?

At the beginning of the year, the two bathrooms were split into the boys bathroom and the girls bathroom. Fine. Grand. Sweet. Sound.

 Now normal people would assume the boys would never clean and their bathroom would become a sty. Not so. As it turns out the girls shower is always cluttered with empty shampoo bottles, the floor is always drenched, there is toilet paper on the floor that was once damp but subsequently dried off and has now fused to the floor.

The boys toilet, on the other hand, has no empty bottles, there aren't used or broken razors everywhere, the drain isn't clogged with hair and if the shower causes the floor to get wet we dry that right up.

Now I'll concede that there are maybe twice as many women here as men.

The kitchen. Cooking central. That room what smells and stuff. Of the 6 guys here, I know at least 4 of us consistently clean up after ourselves. The other two cannot account for the veritable maelstrom of leftover food, unclean dishes, cleaned dishes left on the counters and the mouse that lives with us in there.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: Girls are gross. True Story

Don't read too much into that one.

Next up we have the Scottish. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:

Aww he's just going to say they don't drink nearly as much as we think they do and in the process insinuate the irish drink more thus perpetuating the irish alcoholism stereotype. Nice going writing yourself into a corner there James!

Who the hell invited you anyway?

No what I was going to say was that...okay fine you got me. They don't ALL drink that much. Some definitely do. But not all of them. And I've not met the famous scottish racist yet. It would be really awkward considering on my floor theres a half Italian, a German, a half Indian and a half Malaysian. Would have made living here quite tense I'll tell you that. They also don't hate the English as much as I had expected. There are English people about and they don't get beaten up or stoned in the streets or anything

Well some do, but not in the way that you'd think...

Also Irish people don't say top of the morning and the lucky charms advertisement is woefully inaccurate. I mean what have blue moons and red balloons got to do with Ireland? If they had added various flags and a poorly designed pipe bomb, THEN we would have a factually accurate and exciting cereal.

Lucky Charms. How lucky are you?